THINGS YOU HEAR OFTEN:

  • " What third arm?- that's my nose!!

Breaking News Stories

Seminary closing adds to already terrible meat market crisis



Bank calls "elevaroon" on company's chapter 11 filing



Freedom fighters return safely to base in Paris



Ford introduces "16" passenger van for Jewish families



Man found lying when he complimented friend's tie



Birdcaller to release Sefira album



Crocs still ugly as sin



Shul sues Madoff for interest on matanah pledge



Study:75% things on menu are great-owner



Shul not sure if Michigan delegate counts for Minyan



Mohel's daughter injured in Take Your Daughter To Work Day accident



Market Trends: Meat in a cone



Matza in basement just got stale

----------------ANYTHING NEWING?!!!!!!!!--------------

WANNA BET?!?!?!?

Just last week the makers of SAWYOUONAVENUEJ.ORG unveiled their latest project, ALMOSTSIMCHAS.COM . This groundbreaking site mixes two vices- gossiping and gambling for charity. The proceeds of the gambling (or house winnings) go to charity. This allows people to use their Maaser dollars in a fun way.

The website allows users to write in who they know are dating at any given time, add any known facts about the individual, and members of the site are able to bet on whether the relationship will last, and how long. The state of the art website uses built in algorithms to compute the odds and point spread based on positive and negative feedback left by people about the boy or girl’s character, looks, and personal hygiene. The member must sign in with a PayPal account and username and then can begin to browse current couple news.

The website boasts easy web access and text message entries so no juicy gossip will be missed by any viewers. There are also plans to have employees of My Most favorite Dessert, Le Marias and the Marriott Marquis on the website payroll to eavesdrop on the conversations and provide up to the minute coverage of on-going dates.

Hockberry.com polled people on the street this past Friday about this website and got many mixed reviews. “Internet is Assur and I don’t want to hear anything more about it”, said Rabbi Hirzberg, “did you say gambling......?” He then quickly went back to scratching his Instant Lotto’s. “This infringes on shidduchim meetings and Tehillim groups”, said a lady pushing an 8-child stroller.

Unfortunately there are still a few glitches in the system that needs tweaking. Yesterday a loophole was discovered when Simcha Weinglass, (whose online screen name is LkwdPlaya22) won the jackpot for the third consecutive week. After investigating this phenomenon, authorities discovered that he was actually the shadchan for the daters he was betting on and therefore disqualified by section B-12 of the terms and conditions of the site. (B-13 is no signing in during first seder). New identification systems are currently being installed.

 
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