After years of finger pointing and vicious rumors, child actors Kivi and Tuki have filed for emancipation. The 2 former stars have been living in the foster care of Country Yossie for the last 29 years and have finally began the legal motions to live on their own.
We met up with the twins at a local Jazz club/shul basement in Monsey, NY. They were accompanied by their temporary court-appointed guardian, Dr. Middos. Dr. Middos (, or Richard as he asked to be called) described the mental state of the two as “not geferlach”. He (Rich, as the night wore on) was assigned to the case to treat the aftermath of many years of psychological abuse Kivi and Tuki suffered. “He is she and who is he” muttered a barely coherent and very medicated Kivi. “That is all he ever says” pointed out Middos (Big R, the next morning).
The court has granted temporary custody after many accusations of torment and money pilfering by Country Yossie. The creatures’ case was greatly helped by the testimony of Big Gedaliah Goomber, who turned states evidence in return for a reduced sentence in his own steroid indictment. Goomber, who was depicted in court artist sketch as 9’2”, stated under oath that life in the Yossie house as “zany” and often “very zany”. “Country was always out painting the town red with the Shteeblehoppers and regularly neglected the child stars”. “Everyone knew that those two were his meal ticket, but he never cared for their safety”.
Jewish child star court cases are not without precedent. With the Cheery Bim Band winning a 7.3 million dollar royalty lawsuit from Feldheim publishing and a large undisclosed settlement for Gemarakup from Encyclopedia Brown for copyright infringement, the twin’s lawyers are confident about the verdict.
The court is currently in recess now and will be playing freeze tag in the yard. We will update you as more news becomes public.
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KIVI AND TUKI FILE FOR EMANCIPATION FROM COUNTRY YOSSIE
ISRAEL TURNS 60 AND PLANS TO RETIRE IN FLORIDA
After turning sixty years old last week, Israel has announced to friends and relatives that she would be moving to Miami this summer."While it is not easy to pick up and move at this age, I think I would really like to retire in Miami" said Israel
Miami has become increasingly populated with Israeli seniors and while many will miss her,it seems as though Israel will fit right in on the Florida Keys."I'm definitely going to miss her" said Opher Aryde, a taxi driver from Netanya."I love Israel, I know her well! but Miami is Miami so I wish her the best. That will be 25 shek"
Israel has already booked a flight on El-Al and is making preparations for her move. Packing will be easy for the sixty-year-old as she has already given away many possesions to her neighbors.Some of them were happy to hear of her move."I mean, I have known Israel when she was just a girl.I know her by her maiden name, Palestine but I've been telling people for a while that this day would come" said Mahmoud.
Life hasnt been easy for the Holocaust-Survivor and she has fought many battles in her life. Even a visit by US President, George W. Bush could not convince her to stay.He visited Israel on her birthday and urged her to remain strong."I'm getting so old I've had people wishing for my death,I've been threatened,I've been lit fire to,and I've had stones thrown at me.theres no way I'm sticking around to retire here."said Israel. "I do appreciate people saying all those nice things on my birthday but I am so out of here L'hitraoat"
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MUTE MAN RECOUNTS UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDIES
Shhlomo Henrik, a mute man from Pittsburgh, PA summarized the unspeakable tragedies that have plagued him throughout the last fourteen years. "_____________________________________", recounted Henrik. "______________________________", he added somberly.
Muteness or Aphonia has troubled Henrik from early on in his life. Through strength and quiet confidence he has overcome these obstacles to become the leading auction bidder in Pennsylvania. Only now, at 32, have people heard of his unspoken feelings "I'll bet he's mad that his voice wasn't heard in this year's democratic primaries" bet his friend Hershel Wheatman. Others say Henrik's past is troubling because people always put words into his mouth."He's told me his friends are all idiots" said Gavriel Tinoke,friend of the Mute man."___________________________" said Henrik in response."_________________________________________" he repeated.
Henrik's family is reportedly troubled by the amount of new information that is emerging about Shhlomo's life. Many suspect they are wary of negative publicity.They have hired consultant, Sheila Golding of Silence is Golding Inc.,a local PR Firm, to combat any harmful press."Contrary to many falsifications, the Henrik family has always treated Shhlomo with the utmost respect.He has never once voiced any concern about any wrongdoings" said Goldring in a verbal statement.When asked by reporters if there were any other unspeakables, Shhlomo had no comment.
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SESAME STREET CHARACHTER TO PROMOTE SEFIRA AWARENESS FOR KIDS
The Count, of Sesame Street fame, announced yesterday that he signed an endorsement deal with Chabad Lubavitch to be the face of a new multimedia ad campaign promoting the Omer and Sefira, a period of mourning for Jews. The contract is said to be worth 1.6 million dollars.
The campaign will comprise of a 3-part marketing scheme. "1 part….2 parts….3 parts…Ahahahhahaha", added The Count at yesterday's press conference.
Print ads: weekly ads in all major Jewish newspapers (read minor newspapers) with a pull-out Sefira calendar.
Web ads: ads on major Jewish websites like this one (read major websites).
Spoken ads: paid actors to infiltrate shuls, schools, and pizza stores and bring the ad up in conversation.
The Count, whose real name is Count Von Count actually suffers from arithmomania, (an obsession of counting things). He has parlayed this illness into a rewarding career as a series regular on the popular sesame street TV series. He has also used his skills on many a blackjack table.
He began his career as a co-host on the popular Jewish radio show Shalom America with Phil Fink, and soon earned a spot opening for Shecky Green on the Borscht Belt. It was there that he was discovered by Jim Henson who cast him as a series regular on Sesame Street.
This is the first of ad campaigns unveiled this week. Another rumored celebrity tie-in incorporates Snuffleupagus as a spokesman for not shaving and taking a haircut.
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SARCASTIC MAN HONORED TO BE HONORED AT DINNER
After receiving news that he would be this year’s honoree for parent of the year, Zev Blought couldn't be happier. "Yay" commented Zev to reporters, "I am soooo ecstatic. It is an honor and a privilege to be asked to donate money and subject my friends and family to another extremely exciting evening of interesting speeches".
Through a leak in the schools chairman committee we obtained copies of the invitation drafted by the honoree; "With great pleasure we welcome you to a joyous night of stimulating speeches and extraordinary cuisine."…Read the invitation for Yeshvas Tzion Tamale (school for Spanish immigrants).
“I personally can’t wait for this momentous night, its going to be awesome”, exclaimed Blought’s twin (and equally sarcastic) brother, Benyamin. “I wish I was the one being honored, since I have sooo much time to be busy with this truly important event”.
Hockberry caught up with Blought last Wednesday. “Wow, such an important news organization to meet with me?? What did I do to deserve this showering of attention?? Whoop-de-do!!!! I'm soooo flattered. And that's soooo with 4 S's”. (The reporter was unable to decipher whether this statement was indeed sarcastic).
The dinner is scheduled for 8 o'clock May 18 at Atrium Hall.
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JUICE 4 JEWS
City to Pool Kittel Grape Juice Stains, Help Feed Poor
Call it the most innovative act of charity ever. Residents of Cleveland Heights OH have come up with a creative way to help the many struggling families in their community. With the help of Tayror Load Cleaners of Taylor Road and their patented "StainSqueeze", process residents will be able to have their kittels squeezed out and pooled to provide grape juice for the impoverished.
Shimon Ofder, President of the newly formed organization, "Juice for Jews" said he came up with the idea after the second Passover Seder."I was sitting with my four brothers and a cousin and we were all comparing our newly spotted kittels and it occurred to me that we could probably fill Eliyahu's Cup with it." After much squeezing the men were barely able to fill a quarter of a shot glass but, nevertheless an idea was born. Ofder then approached Sing Chu of Tayror Load Cleaners. He chose Tayror Load because he was familiar with their work."They did a bang up job on a cholent stained tie for me in '96" said Ofder.
Through their procedure dubbed "StainSqueeze" for its ability to squeeze stains, the cleaners squeezes out the stains into a large barrel. The barrel is then emptied out, bottled and labeled with the original Juice for Jews Sticker and delivered to the needy of the community. The kittels are then starched and hung and clean as new.
While the Grape Juice is said to be quite tasty, the FDA shockingly refused to give its approval. However Rabbis who observed the procedure deemed it Kosher. "Even if there may be a slight charayne after-taste, I definitely lend my seal of approval to this product and advise drinkers to make the blessing of Hagafan on the product.This wine is suitable for Kiddush as well." said Rabbi Yosef Shaborovitz in a press-release.
Soup kitchens and homeless shelters are keeping a close watch on the program as this may be a sign of how we feed the poor in the future "Were keeping a close watch on the program as this may be a sign of how we feed the poor in the future" said a source we spoke to for this article.
Those wishing to donate their kittels to the cause can contact Juice for Jews at J4J-UICE to schedule pickups.
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