After extensive inspection by the UN peacekeeping patrols and the OU, Hotel Rwanda in conjunction with the Schwartz family caterers are pleased to announce Pesach in Rwanda 2008. The news of the announcement came as a sigh of relief to the genocide plagued country. Government officials are hoping the Hutu and Tutsi tribes will lay down their spears long enough for visitors to enjoy the fantastic 8 day program.
The Hotel Rwanda, located in the stunning capital city of Kigali sits on a half of a fabulous acre of coffee bean crop. The location features lush opium gardens and a strong straw roof offering views of a cow pasture and a bombed-out army barracks. Guests can choose from rooms with or without an extra folding chair. Paintings by famed local artist Paukl Gyasgg decorate the lobby as a wind flutist entertains.
The Schwartz Family Caterers bring their extensive culinary expertise as well as their fifteen year experience in the Pesach vacation Industry. Their past trips have always been memorable. They include: Pesach in Somalia 2004, Pesach in Uganda 1999 and of course last year's hit Pesach in Gaza. This year Mr. Meshulem Schwartz, head chef, has informed us that the meals will all feature local cuisine that will be all available in Gebruks and Non-Gebruks. The leftovers will be donated to the government and shared by the 3,099,976 starving citizens of the nation no doubt boosting the morale and economy of the nation.
This year's entertainment program will be one for the ages. MBD, Lipa Schmeltzer, Avraham Fried, Abie Rottenberg, Shlock Rock, Baruch Levine, David Gabay, Piamenta, Pruz, the Yeshiva Boys Choir, Miami Boys Choir, The Chevra, Dedi, Helfgot, Lev Tahor, Regesh, Dveykus, Yisroel Williger, Shloimie Dachs, Eli Gerstner, Ohad, Yossi Green, Ben Tzion Shenker, Mendy Wald, Yeeedle, Shloimie Daskal, Dov Levine, Ira Heller, Shloimie Gertner, Oif Simchas, Michoel Streicher, and the Rolling Stones will all be staying and performing throughout the entire Yom Tov.
Activities for children will include tribal dancing with Uncle Moishe, drum beating, bird calling and hut building. Private blow-gun hunting lessons will be available at Nyungwe Forest National Park. There will be local Rwandan woman available for babysitting or you can bring your Rwandan cleaning lady from home.
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HOTEL RWANDA INTRODUCES EXCITING PESACH PROGRAM
LAKEWOOD IMPOSTER COULDN'T PRONOUNCE CHES
Cover blown during Hanukah.
As details rapidly emerge in the saga of the Lakewood imposter, Natan Yosef Levi or Ted Riley Floyd it has become apparent that the man falsely claiming to be an Orthodox Jew couldn't pronounce the Hebrew letter, Ches. This was his alleged Achilles heel and eventually led to his downfall.
Levi's neighbors became suspicious when he wished them all a "Happy Hanukah" in late 2007. While it is commonplace for gentiles to pronounce Chanukah without the Ch sound, such pronunciation has rocked the otherwise quiet town of Lakewood, NJ. "At least he didn't try the Ch as in Choo-Choo or chocolate" said Chieli Chaimowitz, 18 of Forest Park.
While the story has just recently been publicized, some claim to have known Levi was suspicious all along."He was eating over Friday night by me and he asked to pass the Harayne, I thought for sure he was kibbitzing" said Baruch Schwartzman, a former acquaintance of Levi." I knew he was a weirdo all along"
Weird? Yes, but could anyone have imagined that Levi was really Ted Riley Floyd a convict from Wichita, Kansas? An FBI wiretap released to the public today catches Levi asking his study partner "What are you doing in Hol Hamoed Pesack?" A source close to the investigation tells us it was this comment that forced the Feds to move in when they did.
"Now he's just another faker missing seder" said a bitter Baal HaBus to no one in particular.
Other small clues to Floyd/Levi’s phony identity included his wife not being a speech therapist, him working part-time, and davening all 3 tefilos with a minyan.
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HASSIDIC ACTOR TO PLAY ROLE OF HASSIDIC ACTOR IN MOVIE ABOUT HASSIDIC ACTOR
Abe Karpen, the Chassidic Jewish actor who came under fire from his ultra-orthodox community has finally found a role fit for a mentsch. He will play himself in an upcoming movie about a Chassidic Jewish actor who comes under fire from his Orthodox Jewish community.
To prepare for the role Karpen is said to be living in his home and generally being "Chassidic" with his friends and family. The role will call for Karpen to eat kosher, pray three times, and refrain from touching woman other than his wife not unlike Karpen, who refused to touch any actresses in his brief foray into acting.
Karpen originally made headlines in March 2008 when he landed the role of a Hassidic Jew in the movie, "New York, I Love You". It was only after the local tabloids ran photos of Karpen that his strict community discovered his secret and pressured him into backing out of the picture. His rabbis will play themselves in the upcoming feature film about the upcoming feature film. His parents will reportedly be played by Steven Hill and Barbara Streisand
Natalie Portman is said to be playing the leading female role of Natalie Portman, an Israeli born female actress who Karpen almost starred with in the movie the movie is attempting to portray. Karpen is said to be thrilled to finally get the chance to work with Portman and regrets that it didn’t work out originally.
Insiders tell us that Karpen is also in negotiations to make this story into a musical and half hour cartoon series. His Rabbis are already attached to the projects.
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BOCHURIM POST-PURIM DRUNK EXAGGERATIONS AT ALL-TIME HIGH
Dorm rooms were abuzz as early as Saturday Morning with embellished accounts of teenage drunkenness over Purim. In what has become a yearly ritual, bachurim from across the Yeshivisha Velt began boasting almost immediately following the Holiday. This year shabbos afternoon provided extra brag-time for the wannabe alcoholics.
Our Roaming Yeshiva Correspondent Bob Sochachev reported widespread incidents of exaggerating, embellishing and downright lying about alcohol levels, amounts of vomit, tripping, falling and amazing dance moves. Majorly hammered, gone, smashed, trashed, toasted, high, wasted and mamish plastered were only a few of the many adjectives bachurim used this year. Others included: shikur, soused, drunk, , while some used: Toit shikur, blasted, roasted, fried, deep fried, char-broiled and steamed over easy.
“I was so gone, I mamish had no clue that I wasn’t even wearing a hat by Mincha” said a lying Yossie Goldfein (who never wears a hat by Mincha).
“There was a cup of what I thought was water on the table and I was stam thirsty so I chugged it and never chapped it was Vodka”says Chaim Trewn. Sources say it was indeed water.
“I had to be rushed to the hospital to get my stomach-pumped said well-known pathological liar Yehoshua Flatrosh. We confirmed this story as true…..nebach…sorry.
Of course there were the classic My-tolerance-level-is-endless guys: “Being a big Bourbon guy I need about a quart and a half to get me going, so obviously I wasn’t able to get drunk, not from lack of trying though”, said Baruch “Jim Beam” Berkowitz (not his real nickname).
After uncovering these blatant embellishments, the staff here at Hockberry.com is pretty sure we were by far the most drunk over Purim. In fact we were at a guy’s house and we polished off four bottles of Chivas and two barrels of Cream Malaga (the guy had a wine cellar the size of Costco)! We left with his couch pillows and a pan of salt and pepper kugel and showed up to Friday Night davening with our Looney-Toons ties still on! It was awesome.
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RAP: NOT JUST FOR GOYIM ANYMORE
Shouts ring out in South Central Teaneck. A man screams in horror. This man has been insulted in a heated turf war with a vicious barb. This is everyday life for Frum Jewish gangsta rap members. Gang members are used to cold blooded freestyle rap battles and most attend at least 5 a week. Similar situations occur in Borough Park, Canada, and in other places around the globe. To an outsider, these battles sound like a Yo Momma contest in sing-song Gemarah style, but this is where a frum rapper can make or break his street reputation.
The art of rap battling is not a new one. Many trace the origin to Babylonian times where Talmudic scholars were be quick with a stinging remark to a constituent when their dissertation was questioned. Children aging from grade four and up can be found in the schoolyards honing their craft. The most basic component is the burn (shtuch) and later is built up to a rap rhyme (or grammen).
The most famous rivalry is between rap group Shtilla Heights and Balabusta Rhymes continue. The feud began a few years back when both groups released their new singles on the same day. To make matters worse, both songs were a hip-hop re-working of MBD’s “Daiga Menayin”. While neither album was even recognized by Billboard magazine, their relative success was measured in units sold on Eichlers.
The monsey-bred crew, Shtilla Heights, is easily recognizable with red string on their left wrists and the back of their shirts untucked. The crew consists of: “Da Nebb”- Moshe Shwartz, a Kollel drop-out and former Tzlil V’zemer bandmate; “MC Immodium”- Yechiel Kleinkind, unofficial group accountant, named for his lactose intolerance; “Quite Fest”, Seth Gelbstein, amateur wedding juggler and part-time tutor. Trained under Y-love, the world renowned multi-platinum Grammy-winner rap superstar, the group is strong in the art of mixing Hebrew, Yiddish, Aramaic, and English in their lyrics. (His new album, Thisisbabylon, is out in stores now). Balabusta Rhymes’ shtick is slightly more conspicuous; he sports a long shiny satin coat and fur hat on a tilt. He is never seen without his gold-plated Kiddush cup. It is rumored that he rapped his bar mitzvah haftorah. His entourage consists of Bar Papa, Moish Mortgage, and Lil’ Shtickel. (None of their real names were revealed to our reporters). “These guys represent the new era of rap, their talent is shmagegi, and they just got to keep on shteiging”, commented a rep for a rep for Y-Love’s press secretary.
While frum gangsta rap albums are prominently displayed at checkout registers of Kosher Supermarkets around the globe, most teenagers already know the songs from underground mix tapes. The record label Mad Zahav is still is talks with Rabbonim to rescind the internet ban to allow for further public enjoyment and downloads.
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BEAR STEARNS, SHMEAR STERNS: STOCK OF PRESIDOR CHOCOLATE WAFER ROLLS SOAR DUE TO PURIM SALES
Stock of the Presidor Chocolate Lined Wafer Roll Company soared yesterday as a direct result of higher than expected Purim sales for their Cigar-like wafers. While Presidor has been the leading Shaloch Manos brand for over a century it has taken a beating by knockoffs such as Paskesz and Kemach over the last few years. This year it appears that Presidor is finally making the comeback analysts have predicted.
The rebound is a triumph of sorts for embattled CEO Marvin Misheh, who in recent years has been accused of over-valuing the stock in months other than March and April. His involvement in the infamous Biur Chametz Scandal of 2004 was even more disturbing. He was eventually cleared of any wrongdoing in the case where employees were accused of intentionally burning empty boxes of the snack and filing false insurance claims. His reputation and that of the company took a serious hit and Presidor was forced to layoff thousands of experienced rollers.
While no one is quite sure of the religious significance of the Cigar-Wafer, it is clear that Jews across the world carry on a strong tradition of packing the goodies in their Shaloch Manos, an Easter-like basket passed between friends on the Halloween-like Holiday of Purim. Rabbi Goodman of Congregation Anshei Emes in Chicago, IL, specializes in the History of Jewish Culinary and Delicatessen Studies and told us that the cigar-rolled wafer has deep Mediterranean and Persian roots and was originally used to carry small weaponry to and from the battle-grounds and War-Fields of the Roman Empire. We are pretty sure that he was talking about something entirely different.
In the wake of this historical climb, and the increasingly weakening US Dollar,The Federal Reserve is said to be considering classifying the Chocolate Lined Waferroll as an officially traded commodity. Hockberry Business Desk is advising all investors to remember to sell their inventory to goyim before Pesach
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PLAYERS WONT REST: Pirchei Finger Baseball Championships To Be Held On Shabbos
It is a known fact that finger baseball is a game only played on late Shabbos afternoon. “Every other year the game was held in the basement of the shul on Shabbos while the fathers ate shalosh seudos upstairs undisturbed”, said irate wife of a fan, Sara Walkenberg, “Sunday is my day for shopping “. “All’s well that ends well”, said Moish Cliche, “and you reap what you sow”.
The board finally caved to the public’s demand when “Mayim Chayim Half and Half Soda”, and “Boston Baked Beans” threatened to pull their advertising from the event. “The fact is only Pirchei kids eat Boston Baked Beans and if this event gets canceled, we will have to actually throw the candy away”, explained Ferrara Pan Exec Steve Mcgullicutty.
The most sought-after title of “Best in Shul” is up for grabs. The playoffs are finished, leaving New York and Toronto in a dead heat for the championship. This contention has been long awaited by many, looking to finally put an end to the question of which city is better. Both Canada and New York’s teams have some work ahead of them to get their teams ready for the big Pirchei Finals.
The Canadian team, “the off-Bathursts”, is in a much better place than the New York team, “Ave J Jazz”, even though they have almost identical records. The Canadians’ last game was decided when Baruch Dudansky put out two fingers and his stump of an index finger which judges (Pirchei counselors) ruled as a triple that won the game. The ruling was heavily criticized by many of the opposing team’s parents but the decision held up. An anonymous gloating parent was quoted as saying, “I don’t want to be quoted, aye”. We at Hockberry wish the best of luck to both teams and may the best team win……….New York.
OUT OF THE IN-BOX (A PLEA FOR HELP)
Dear Hockberry,
I am an avid reader of your site. When I saw that you were starting a new advice column I was ecstatic. I am a very indecisive person and can rarely make a decision on my own. I usually wait out any judgment until the issue either dissolves itself or one of the options is now not possible or let my husband decide. I need advice desperately. I can’t decide what my first question to your column will be. Should I ask about Shidduch/seminary issues with my children, or should ask a question about some rabbinic decree citing sources that people will bash in the comments? (I am not even sure that you will print this). Should I even send this……wow, I don’t know what to do. Who is gonna answer these questions anyways? Will I really be posted anonymously? Am I also paranoid? What do I do about that? You really think you can help? If you receive this, please help me!!.........I think?
Mrs. Should I, Cleveland, OH
Dear Mrs. Should I,
After conferring with a doctor for a few minutes (between aliyas), we feel confident we can help you out. We believe it is actually the seminary and/or shidduch stress that is causing you to be so indecisive. And by the way, your husband has bad taste. To answer all your questions we will go in order. Yes, you should ask both questions about shidduch and seminary (we need more mail). Yes, we are printing this (obviously). The fact is that you did send the email so we won’t count that as a question. WE will answer the questions. And by WE, we mean our illustrious team of 3 gifted writers typing this simultaneously. Thank you, Moshe. My pleasure, Kalman. You were posted anonymously, unless your actual name is Should I (maybe you’re Swedish). No, you are not paranoid; we just have that effect on people. That’s not funny, Eli!! If the answer to the previous question had indeed been yes, we would have suggested counseling. And finally, YES we can help and welcome any question you readers out there may have.
Before we close we want to thank you for you support and readershipment. That is not a word Moshe, and I’m sick of correcting your spelling and grammar mistakes. You know what; I’m not in the mood for this right now. Take care, guys. And good night to you all.
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BEIN HAZMANIM WORKERS FORM UNION
A press release from the newly organized local union # 613 threatens to go on strike Monday March 24 at midnight. Local 613 was recently founded to represent Shaimos truck workers and Koshering keilim truck workers and basically any other business opened specifically for the Pesach season. For years these day-laborers have been under the mercy of corrupt entrepreneurs and greedy store owners. In the past, local merchants would rent a truck and hire a few yeshiva guys who were home for bein hazmanim and looking to make some pocket money. The boys, in many cases underage, were forced to work long arduous hours from morning to wee hours of the night. The work hazards were often perilous; between paper cuts and pulp inhalation, the shaimos workers were being terribly undercompensated. In some cases these boys were not even allowed to leave their workplace (truck). There was also the added danger of these kids being unlicensed, putting their friends, who were sitting on the back bumper, and the public at risk. “We were sometimes even made to babysit when in the customers’ houses”, said an immature rep for Chometz Busters Cleaning Corp, “that’s not fair”.
Mark Levy, self-proclaimed advocate of the illegal worker, took up the cause and has been fighting for their rights. Using the precedent of succahbuilders #213 and Keren Aniyim Shaloch Manos makers, Levy won a landmark case that went up all the way to the Appellate division of Appeals of NY. Some of the amendments that became required included: trucks must have insurance coverage for each laborer or at least coverage for every two, the laborers must be over 18 or have heavy stubble, wages are regulated by the fair trade commission, and working hours are strictly by the clock. A worker cannot post more that 60 hours per week (even if they wanted to), and safety regulations are closely being monitored including proper hygiene for each worker. Levy is quick to point out to his enemies that the safety of the bachurim should be everyone’s responsibility, and doing business with a non-union truck goes against the Torah.
The reason for the strike is that after all these provisions store owners do not want to spend the extra money in this time of economic depression. With all these new stipulations protecting the workers, store owners fear that the net profit they used to receive will be considerably less this year. Add to that gas prices increased, parking tickets are being handed out at an all-time high, and they feel the ends will not justify the means. We have received word that the proposed picket line will form in from of Wesley Kosher with a giant blow-up Rat. We will try to keep you updated as we make up more news.
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PLAYGROUP OPENS FOR TODDLERS AT RISK
Little Yossi (names have been changed) crawls across the carpeted basement floor. With every stride a skull and crossbones tattoo peeks out from his light blue onesie. It is not Similac or Enfamil that fills his bottle but a Red Bull and Vodka is what helps him get through until Nappy Time. This is Yossi's fifth playgroup of the year already and his parents are crossing their fingers that he has finally found his place.
Founded in three years ago by Morah Blimi and Morah Miri, the Playgroup for At Risk Toddlers (PART) has become a safe haven for Toddlers who have strayed from the proper Torah way. Some of the children here have just struggled to fit in to the regular Yeshiva Daycare system and suffer from various social skills; some have totally lost interest in anything related to Yidishkeit. But perhaps the most disturbing challenge is that some of these toddlers have become addicted to drugs and alcohol. "When we first found out that our Dovidle was getting high on Desitin fumes we didn’t want to believe it. We had absolutely no where to turn" lamented a parent who's son's life has been changed by PART. "After consulting with the Rav of our Shul we knew this was our last shot and my how Dovid has grown! He no longer leaves his crib to hang out with the troublemakers at night and can almost recite the first three letters of the aleph bais!"
Through PART has no affiliation with Alcoholics Anonymous, circle time has come to resemble somewhat of an AA meeting "When I first realized I was addicted to Children’s Tylenol it was too late" shared Leiby whose disheveled hair begged for an Upsherin. "The drool and spit up just kept coming and my parents eventually threw me out" he said, fighting back tears. These are the moments that have brought back an endless amount of Toddlers to the righteous path of Torah and Yiras Shamayim. It is the special care, love and attention each child receives that makes PART a truly inspirational program
The Playgroup for At Risk Toddlers is a non-for-profit organization and has the blessings of leading rabonim. If you would like to sponsor a Circle Time, Nap Time or Arts and Crafts project please contact Morah Blimi or Morah Miri at 248-654-3216
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BUBBY COOKS THE BOOKS
A recipe book hailed by Mishpacha magazine was exposed as a fraud when author Sheina Goldberger- who claimed to be a Bubby from Williamsburg - was revealed as Shaindy Goldberg, a Bubby from Borough Park.
"Geshikta Grandma’s Geshmaka Goodies” was published last week to generally rave reviews. “The greatest thing since canned gefilte fish and sliced mandle-bread”, trumpeted the L.A. Jewish Times.
Publisher Gelungin Books was forced to recall all of the 2300 copies of the book yesterday after Goldberg admitted her recipes sections “from the Alta Heim” and “10 minute parve flanken” were really recipes she copied from old Reader’s Digest and the back of Corn flake crumbs packages. "Gelungin Corp. is saddened by this turn of events," the publisher said in a statement. "We feel that readers were cheated and won’t have the opportunity now to live the dream of eating pizza and flanken together." Esra magazine also backed off its praise. "While it was a delicious read, we now know that it should have been classified as fiction, rather than as a recipe book, said Aryeh Peisner, editor in chief.
Goldberg, 72, was exposed by her sister, who read a profile of the author last week in the Yated and then contacted the paper. The Yated confronted Golberg, who was tearful and contrite in admitting the deception.
Gelungin Books canceled a planned kiddush tour for Goldberg sponsored by Sabra Supremely Spicy Hummus Dip. The publisher will offer refunds for anyone who bought tickets. Shloime Gertner also backed out of the events.
The latest scandal came despite the efforts of Goldberg's editors, who fact-checked the book. Gelungin said Goldberg's duplicity included bogus photos, ingredients and even made-up vegetables, which she produced to verify her recipes.
The hoax demonstrates the difficulty publishers face in separating truth from fiction in cooking.
"One cannot protect oneself one hundred percent from one dedicated hoaxster any more than one can protect oneself one hundred percent from one spoiled ingredient," said Moshe Bren, once editor in chief of Heimish Cooking Weekly.
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BREAKING NEWS! HOCKBERRY HAS NO KOSHER ANGLE ON SPITZER SCANDAL!!
After hours of delibiration amongst lead editors at Hockberry.com it has become increasingly clear that the Orthodox Jewish news website has no clear kosher way of reporting on the Elliot Spitzer scandal.
While other websites such as Yeshivaworld.com present the story in a creatively frum way as an "Immoral, indecent business ring" Hockberry was unable to muster up such sensitivity and decided to leave the public with other means of obtaining their news. This is aside from the fact that the writers of Hockberry themselves are still unclear as to what this "immoral, indecent business ring" might be.
PLEASE CHECK BACK OFTEN AS HOCKBERRY.COM WILL UPDATE YOU AS WE UNDERSTAND THE SCANDAL A LITTLE BETTER. THIS IS A DEVELOPING STORY.
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RABBIS TO POSTPONE CONCERT BAN BECAUSE THEY FORGOT ABOUT INTERNET BAN
With the huge publicity on popular Jewish websites like YeshivaWorld.com, Vosizneis.com, Hockberry.com, Chaptzem.com, “THE BIG EVENT” has become the most talked-about controversial topic in the past few weeks. As the planned date for the now-canceled concert nears, the Rabbis have found new cause to be alarmed. Rabbis are now worried that their own moratorium on internet a few years ago will stop many ticketholders from hearing about the concert cancellation. These people listened when the rabbis called for the public to cancel their service, extolling the horrors and depravity that was readily available to the unassuming viewer on the World Wide Web. This brings up a dire situation in which the people who show up tomorrow to the canceled event will not have a concert to go to and end up “hanging out” with each other. Are you following?
In response to this newly recognized issue, the rabbis are leaning on Lipa Shmeltzer to rethink his decision to back out of the concert on their urging, and perform songs that will be of questionable nature and captivate the audience enough to keep them from mingling in the hallways. Ironically, there was again major buzz online about this. “Way to Reb Lipa!...You are a tzaddik for listening to the rabbonim”, commented JoeSchmo32 on YeshivaWorld.com on Friday. “I will bli neder hire Lipa at my next Simcha! It is a mitzva to support him now,” exclaimed Nuchschlepper. “I can't belive that there are out there so many ‘pochzem v'reikem’ that can talk like that on ‘rabunem’ ‘g'doileh toire…”, cried Elter Zeidah on vosizneis.com. (We believe this comment made sense in Yiddish.) These were just 3 of the millions of comments left on the many websites discussing this state of affairs. Google (a popular alternative to Koshernet.com) published their analytics showing a tremendous spike in jewish search words and has agreed to sponsor the new concert (tentatively dubbed “The Bigger Event” for advertising reasons). The re-posted website is now offering the option of refunding your Maaser for tickets to the show.
HAGBA WORLD RECORD TAINTED?
Scandal rocked the world of the Hagba Torah Lifting League again this week as Congress announced that it would open up an investigation as to the use of performance enhancing drugs within the HTLL. There had been speculation that such an announcement was imminent after the release of the Rubinstein Report, a league commissioned study under the direction of established Gabbai (and very amateur Ba’al Tefillah), Yissacher Rubinstein. The Report uncovered widespread use of Human Growth Hormone as well as Steroids amongst a serious percentage of the league. One of the names disclosed was World Record Holder, Nachman Klenin who captured the record of most columns lifted on Parshas Vayakel-Pekudei in 1999.Many now believe that the record should include in asterisk next to it when recorded in the HTLL record books. Klenin issued a strong statement of denial through his lawyer “I completely and categorically deny these allegations. I believe these accusations are a clear defamation of my character and will consider a counter-suit against my former trainer". Klenin was referring to his former personal trainer, Dov Povarski who testified against Klenin in a plea bargain agreement with Federal Agents investigating a tax-fraud case against Povarski. The League can’t seem to escape the dark cloud of substance abuse that has been hanging over it since the mid 90s. Hagba Lifting commissioner Zelig Notterberg insisted that the League welcomed any investigation. “We are committed to restoring the integrity of the game and open to any outcomes or recommendations that will help remove any element of corruption and cheating within our league". The League is currently taking bids on who will bribe the investigator and is up to Tzum Tzvetah Mool from *Maatan B’sesser.
*= name has been changed for legal purposes.
BARBERS PROTEST YESHIVA BACHURIM PRE-PURIM HAIR GROWTH TREND
In an effort to combat a disturbing trend the Israeli Barbers Union (IBU) demonstrated outside of the Mir Yeshiva in Jerusalem yesterday. They asked that Rabbis and Leaders encouarge their students to get their haircut and shave all facial hair immediately.
Apparently becoming a widespread custom, young orthodox men cease all grooming a month or two before the holiday of Purim in order to custom design their hair into such secular styles as the "Goatee" or perhaps even a "Mohawk". A full beard can easily be transformed to "Boot" sideburns and a "Soul-Patch" very quickly after the reading of Megila on Purim Eve. Such hairstyles add a little flare to the typical Yeshiva issued costumes (construction worker, farmer, jail inmate)and can help deflect a mothers anger away from excessive drinking. One veteran hair grower, Aryeh Pelhorn became excited when we asked about his favorite Purim Hair Stunt. "I remember it clearly" said the 32 year old bachelor. "I let my hair grow for 3 and half months. I wore my hat 24-7 in yeshiva and the mashgiach never noticed. Purim came and I had a full blown pony-tail to go with my bekeshe and cowboy hat getup. It was awesome."
Boris Kutchyerkov, head of the Barbers Union led chants of "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" as barbers protested the trend. "It is hard yes not cut hair we no cut peyos and they no help money for us before holiday very bad. Not nice for make funny hair. Hair not joke"
Barbers here in America led by Pino (no last name) have organized a similar strike outside of Yeshiva Torah Vodaas for tomorrow at 3:45pm. For more info please call 888-987-6543
