BOCHURIM POST-PURIM DRUNK EXAGGERATIONS AT ALL-TIME HIGH

Dorm rooms were abuzz as early as Saturday Morning with embellished accounts of teenage drunkenness over Purim. In what has become a yearly ritual, bachurim from across the Yeshivisha Velt began boasting almost immediately following the Holiday. This year shabbos afternoon provided extra brag-time for the wannabe alcoholics.

Our Roaming Yeshiva Correspondent Bob Sochachev reported widespread incidents of exaggerating, embellishing and downright lying about alcohol levels, amounts of vomit, tripping, falling and amazing dance moves. Majorly hammered, gone, smashed, trashed, toasted, high, wasted and mamish plastered were only a few of the many adjectives bachurim used this year. Others included: shikur, soused, drunk, , while some used: Toit shikur, blasted, roasted, fried, deep fried, char-broiled and steamed over easy.

“I was so gone, I mamish had no clue that I wasn’t even wearing a hat by Mincha” said a lying Yossie Goldfein (who never wears a hat by Mincha).

“There was a cup of what I thought was water on the table and I was stam thirsty so I chugged it and never chapped it was Vodka”says Chaim Trewn. Sources say it was indeed water.

“I had to be rushed to the hospital to get my stomach-pumped said well-known pathological liar Yehoshua Flatrosh. We confirmed this story as true…..nebach…sorry.

Of course there were the classic My-tolerance-level-is-endless guys: “Being a big Bourbon guy I need about a quart and a half to get me going, so obviously I wasn’t able to get drunk, not from lack of trying though”, said Baruch “Jim Beam” Berkowitz (not his real nickname).

After uncovering these blatant embellishments, the staff here at Hockberry.com is pretty sure we were by far the most drunk over Purim. In fact we were at a guy’s house and we polished off four bottles of Chivas and two barrels of Cream Malaga (the guy had a wine cellar the size of Costco)! We left with his couch pillows and a pan of salt and pepper kugel and showed up to Friday Night davening with our Looney-Toons ties still on! It was awesome.