The Yiddish Theater was hit yesterday with the news that one of its important stars, Feivel Stern, who plays a lead role in the company’s promising new comedy “Ah farbisina Shmagegi,” had asked to be let out of his contract on the production.
The theater company immediately expressed confidence that Mr. Stern would return to the play next weekend. The news came after a whirlwind of negative publicity directed at Mr. Stern for a tirade of anger he unleashed at his agent/lawyer, Jack Weinrand, in a message recorded on a phone answering machine.
Mr. Stern, who is in the midst of a long and bitter royalties battle with designer clothing giant, G&G Chassidishe Malbishim, called his agent/butler “a thoughtless little shvuntz” in the voice mail message, which was leaked to the press last week.
Mr. Stern was upset because his agent/accountant had not called him as arranged. Mr. Weinrand denied leaking the message. In his Der Yid weekly column, Mr. Stern issued an apology for his outburst.
Mr. Stern had shot an ad campaign for the new faux-fur streimels that G&G debuted in their winter ‘08 campaign. Later that month he appeared in a photograph in the Yated page 6 with a streimel made of actual fur. The picture was purportedly leaked by his agent/tailor. He was subsequently sued for breach of contract and lost all rights to the ad revenue.
Mr. Stern contacted the Yiddish Theatre and said he wanted to discontinue his commitment to play. Theatre executives reacted by urging him not to do anything hasty. They said last night that they had no doubt he would remain in the role of Zundel Felkowitz, licensed shoemaker for the remainder of the play’s run.
In an official statement, Weinrand said: “Feivel Stern remains a power player in the Yiddish comedy play genre and I would love to continue to act as his agent/chauffer if given the chance.”
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YIDDISH THEATER STAR PUTS FANS ON SHPILKES
BLIND MAN "BLESSED BY MATZA"
A half-eaten piece of ‘Passover Bread’ purportedly showing the entire text of the “Parshas Hamon” in Braille has attracted 100,000 hits on the eBay auction website.
A Queens,NY blind man put the matzo up for sale, saying it has brought him great luck since he found it last year.
"I was eating at a ‘Seder’ 10 years ago. When I picked up a piece of matzo to take a bite out of it, I felt the bumps were actually words - it was the entire text of Parshas Hamon with the Targum" Steve Sharfenberg explained.
Mr. Sharfenberg has since kept the matzo surrounded by cotton wool, in a plastic container on a stand.
He also believes its mystical properties have brought him blessings, including $300 won in a recent Kvitlach game.
Some visitors were skeptical while others took advantage. One budding entrepreneur tried to sell T-shirts showing the magic matzo, while a budding artist posted a watercolor based on the image. There were no bids.
EBay originally withdrew the item, suspecting it might be a joke. But it has now apparently been reassured by Heritage for the Blind that the offering is genuine. They also offered to give a tax-deduction in exchange for donating the Matzo to their organization.
The snack has attracted a bid - thought to be a hoax - of $40,000.
But Mr. Sharfenberg added a note for any misguided bidder who might consider paying thousands - or millions - of dollars for a crunchy snack. "I would like all bidders to know that this item is not intended for consumption," he made clear.
There are 2 days and 46 minutes left to the auction at the time this article was published.
HAGADDAH'S 4 SONS TO PUT ASIDE DIFFERENCES FOR REUNION TOUR
A spokesman for the Rasha apparently leaked word to reporters early yesterday via email. "Yes it’s true, you are correct they will be finally touring this year. What is it to you?!” Reporters were quick to notice that the spokesman used the words "you" and "they" in the statement but never "I" or "me" indicating that the Rasha may be keeping to his old separatist ways.
Word from the Chacham's camp however took on a much different tone "I am looking forward to discussing the Exodus with my brethren. It is my honor and privilege to once again bask in the warmth of our camaraderie. We look forward to intellectually stimulating conversation and thought provoking discourse with one another"
It is not clear when the sons last spent time with each other. The last known record was dated anywhere between 280 and 360 CE. There were plans of a reunion about 31 years ago but the event was cancelled after SheEino Yodeah L'Shael didn't show up. He was delayed in transit and apparently refused to stop and ask directions.
Some of the brothers have taken advantage of their Passover fame. Rasha is said to be grossing over $250,000 a year from his endorsement deal with DentureDepot.Com and is also a noted vegetarian cuisine chef, while Chacham once took in $98,043 on an episode of Jeopardy. It appears, however, as if not all of the brothers have turned their fame into fortune. We caught up with Tum at his Passaic, NJ home. "I'm OK with the reunion, I guess" said Tum, clearly uncomfortable with the attention. "I mean my brothers are OK guys...whatever" Tum works at the accounting firm of Brice and Edwards and drives a Buick Regal. He lives on a non-descript block, and neighbors say he's a "pretty average guy". He recently lost some money in a pyramid scheme. Tum’s two children (a girl and a boy) attend the local Jewish school and enjoy an ice cream cone and a baseball game now and then. SheEino Yodeah L'Shael was obviously not returning our calls.
Unbeknownst to most there is actually a fifth son, Shehayu BeBais Hakeesay. For some reason he was omitted from the original text of the story and is hardly ever mentioned. We contacted his residence in Waterbury, Connecticut. “He won’t be available for at least ten to fifteen minutes” said his spokesperson. Sources close to this relatively unknown sibling have informed us that matzo “doesn’t agree with him”.
Supporters of the often analyzed sons are looking forward to the long awaited comeback. Fans are hoping the brothers can put aside their differences long enough to make the reunion one that will be talked about for another few thousand years.
PESACH GOY: "I WILL PROBABLY STOP IN FOR YOUR LIQUOR"
JERIMIAH CARPENTER SR, a well known Pesach Goy announced yesterday that he might stop into the homes where he has purchased chometz for a quick drink or two. "I might even bring my friend, Ed" said Carpenter at a news conference.
Mr. Carpenter did not mention any particular homes that he would visit but members of Khal Anshei Emes in Baltimore, MD are pretty sure that Carpenter is referring to them. Mr Carpenter has been the head janitor at their synagogue for the past 21 years and is considered a close associate of their leader, Rabbi Yitzchok Ber Strauss. "He's an honest man" said Rabbi Strauss "contractually he has all the rights in the world to enter your home and enjoy some delicious chametz, I have no objections to his plans".
Mr Carpenter has been purchasing chametz from the congregants for many years now without incident but it seems as this year will be different. "I just thought, hey why not? It's mine aint it"? said Carpenter with a hearty chuckle. "Heck I may take some to go in my brown paper bag" he continued. "Rabbi told me it’s cool; I might help myself to a bowl of Cheerios while I'm there".
While it is unclear exactly how much Carpenter paid for the chometz some say the transaction involved a pen and a handkerchief. Reports coming out of Baltimore indicate that Carpenter may have the right to the chometz of over 67 homes. "I won’t do none of y’all no harm, I know its your holiday but you done sold me your beer" Carpenter said, addressing concerns that he might disrupt the oneg yom tov of the shul members. "My friend, Ed-he's the nicest guy in the world, yeah he cool. I wonder if Bill can come out too, yall will loove Bill" added Carpenter enthusiastically.
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DELI BANNED FOR INAPPROPRIATE SANDWICH PICTURE
Rabbis released a statement today banning Nosh Galore, a local Glatt Kosher eatery for their inappropriate window display. The window portrayed an enticing club sandwich with all the trimmings. The picture left little to the imagination.
TIBETAN MONKS PROTEST CHINESE AUCTION
Monks from a major Tibetan Buddhist monastery in northwest China staged a protest in front a Brooklyn hall yesterday, an eyewitness said.
The incident at the Oorah Chinese auction marked the second time demonstrating monks protested in Brooklyn and indicated anti-China tensions continued to simmer. About 15 monks from the monastery approached the guests (gamblers) carrying banners and voicing support for the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, said Sheindel Guttfried, last year’s sterling silver candelabra winner. They screamed to boycott all Chinese events.
"They chanted in Chinese, 'We want more freedom, more human rights, we want to see the Dalai Lama, and MSG gives our food a bad name'," Abe Horn told HockBerry.com by phone. The protest lasted about 10 minutes and ended when event officials conducting the auction gave the monks a door prize.” I suppose the SWAT team and tear gas helped too”, he added.
Horn could not tell what the banners said because they were written in Tibetan, but he was quite sure it was advertising a takeout lunch special. Onlookers said guests were "very surprised" by the outburst but soon stopped caring because the drawing for a Shevy Shaitel had begun.
On March 27, these same monks had interrupted a Sheva Brochos in Mr. Chopstix in Miami Beach. There too they called for the return of the Dalai Lama and denounced official Chinese versions of the Tibetan unrest as "lies". “At first I was frightened but then I was happy because Uncle Baruch had to cut his speech short”, said the new groom. The editor for Frum Satire was on hand and took down the monk's names to randomly befriend them on facebook.
Apparently the protesting monks chose the Chinese auction as a demonstration location after their flight to San Francisco was cancelled due to inclement weather. They were supposed to protest the Olympic torch ceremony.
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MIDGET SUES MAN WHO WOULDN'T STEP BACK OVER HIM
Chicago — A major ruling Friday (erev shabbos) by the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals cleared the way for Kalmen Grossman to sue Morris Taubsmith for damages.
Grossman grew up in Detroit with Taubsmith in the late 70s. One shabbos afternoon Grossman was lying on the floor playing kugelach and Taubsmith walked over him. He claims that this incident caused him to become a midget. His “brief” included a “short” list of “small” grievances which caused him “slight” irritation. Among the complaints were counts of having to use a stool for hagba, emotional distress over his tallis “kattan”, and being kicked in the eye by a rogue kezatzka dance move.
A similar ruling bestowed an award of $317,251 to Geraldine Weiss, one of two Cleveland plaintiffs who sued the old lady at the Kotel for selling a faulty red kabbalah strings. The jury ruled this was the root of the devastating Eyin Hara on the Weiss home.
Lawyers for Taubsmith had appealed the court ruling last week, saying Grossman's claim was filed years too late. The 9th Circuit ruled that the charge of not stepping back over your friend has no statute of limitations.
Congress did not adequately define the Eyin Hara defense issue when it passed the 1957 Shwartz-Applebaum Act, which limits the liability of such accidents while ensuring compensation coverage to the general public, the court said in the ruling written by Judge Marty Schrook.
Two similar cases still in the exploratory stages are Massachusetts vs. Kleinberg , a grandmother that did not say “bli ayin hara poo-poo” after people gushed on her new granddaughter’s cuteness, and a young man (name is still being withheld) whose mother used to cut his finger and toe nails on the (gulp) same day.
Rumor has it that Grossman will settle out of court for a small fortune. He is currently spending time penning his memoir, “Under the Magid’s Table”.
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AREA MAN STILL COUNTING WITH BRACHA
Last night was 355
Maariv ends at the ten o'clock minyan and Levi Erlanger remains at his shtender. He begins the L'shem Yichud with the same fervor that he did close to one year ago. Bad weather and change of seasons have not deterred Erlanger. He is determined. Levi Erlanger is still counting sefirah with a bracha.
His friends urge him to stop and "just wait for next year" but Erlanger sees no reason to give up the quest to count the whole thing with a bracha. He is now shuckling intensly "Hayom Yom chamish vchamishim vsholosh maya yamim shehem shtayim esrei chodesh shlosha shavuos vyom echad baomer....laomer......baomer......whatever" he prays, oblivious to the fact that shavuos has come and gone. Erlanger is so driven by perfection that to him it is unfathomable that so many people no longer count with a bracha. "I mean it’s clearly a mitzva d'araysa to count sefira, the fact that so many people take this mitzva lightly is a disgrace to counting as a whole" he told us in an exclusive interview.
Erlanger tells us that he hasn't shaved in respect to the sefira mourning period (or was it laziness?). He says his bosses at Goldman's Fish Emporium, where he works as a fish delivery man, are very accepting of his traditions. Levi has not attended any weddings during his sefira (no word on if he ever received any invites) and does not listen to any music.
He is especially proud of finishing this year because of the double Adars. "Oh Yeah, absolutely" he replies when asked if it’s been rough. "There's definitely a sacrifice that comes along with being committed to the Omer.....It's a state of mind"
Erlanger's parents tell us that counting has always been a past time of Levi's even from an early-age. “He would count all the time” said Uncle Obvious. Some of his other accomplishments include World Record Hide and Seek Counter (when "it") and special consultant to the Office of the Federal Protest Crowd Estimator's Office "That's Two (2) Offices in that sentence" remarked Erlanger as he rode off on his Goldman's Fish Emporium pushcart.
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REBBI ALMOST PLAYED IN NBA
Turned down money for Olam Haba
After recess yesterday in Yeshivas Spring Valley, a seventh grader broke the news to his friends of his Rebbi's past. "I heard Rebbi was an awesome point guard” reported Leiby Horensh, 12 of Monsey NY in his Yeshiva lunchroom. Word quickly spread to the playground and the students launched an investigation.
We traced the story’s source to Leiby's older brother Shloima Tzvi. We interviewed him at his Blueberry Hill home. “Sure it's true" he said. "Rebbi told us the story when I was in his seventh grade class twenty years ago. He said he was the best 3 point shooter on the playground and scouts came to watch him in 1952. He didn't want to brag because he said he was an anav but when they asked if he would play for the Knicks he said 'NO WAY! THE ONLY TEAM I'LL PLAY FOR IS TEAM OLAM HABAH I’LL SCORE POINTS FOR TORAH AND YIRAS SHAMAYIM!' we all cheered for Rebbi that day but thinking back he probably should have maybe given it a shot. I mean they could probally use him nowadays!"
The Rabbi in question is Rabbi Baruch Eisenstein, a 5"9, 154lb, white man. We beeped him but he never called us back to comment. He is one in the long tradition of would-be Major League players or possible NBA draft picks who gave it all up to teach middle school Yeshiva classes. Or at least that is what they tell their students.
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OPEN LETTER TO TED RILEY FLOYD
Dear Ted Riley Floyd-
Thank you. All the internet buzz you caused brought us many new readers. Yossi from our research department has informed us that Ted Riley Floyd, Lakewood imposter, and Nathan Levi have been the most searched keywords by frum jews in the past week and subsequently broadened our readership. (We too are surprised at Yossi's vocabulary).
While we have never met, we seem to have a few common interests. We both enjoy holding the canopy pole at a hachnasas sefer torah, we once dressed up like goyim on Purim, and we have a cousin who lives in Lakewood. Yes, I’d say we are 2 peas in a pod.
So anyway Ted keep the faith be well and give us a call sometime. Maybe we’ll hit up a Hachnosos Sefer Torah or something. You can even bring Blurry with you. Thanks for the publicity.
Yours Truly ,
Hockberry
P.S. If you don’t need your hat anymore……….
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PESSIMISTS AGREE: IT PROBALLY WON'T HAPPEN
After polling pessimist after pessimist, many thought we would never reach a conclusive opinion of the group’s feelings. It became clear that most people agreed that it wasn’t even an option and shouldn’t bother trying because it probably will not happen in the end. We have also heard rumors that some have already given up on it.
In last year’s survey, we noticed a drastic surge of negative attitude when it came to pessimists. Most concurred that in their opinion it will never change and things probably won’t work out.
While optimists will argue that things always have a way of working out, pessimists are still not convinced. "There are too many variables that can go invariably wrong and that's what is most likely going to happen", said Pessimistic Community Chairman Steve Noberg "and this quote will likely be distorted to make me look bad".
“This protest probably won’t work, this protest probably won’t work” chanted protesters at a half empty demonstration yesterday in a quiet forest. Many held unopened umbrellas in case of rain. One woman held a sign that read “We are almost in a recession, the war in Iraq is dragging on, Gas prices are high, China doesn’t like monks, my four-year old is still not potty-trained and this sign is too heavy”.
Police estimated the crowd at the rally numbered at “really not so many”.
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