MIAMI -- Rabbi Moishe Caplan sits amid a cacophony of ringing phones and incoming email notifications in the basement office where he works. Dressed in a yarmulke, silk tie and carpet slippers, he surveyed the toppling list of unmarried boys on his oak desk.
"Normally, this, on a Monday…" he says, indicating the entire 20 square foot basement, “I would be knee-deep in thank you cards,and chocolate baskets,oy do I love chocolate”.
But the cardboard boxes of headshots and resumes in the room reach his waist. It's a scene being repeated in the offices of Shadchanim and warehouses across the nation.
The meat market shortage is the result of the collapse of Ahavas Eitzim, formerly the largest seminary in Israel. This institution was responsible for over 40 percent of the “great girl” influx every August to the US. In September, nearly 400 girls were turned away after a bug in the school’s accounting department bankrupted the organization.
For a girl to achieve the title of “great girl” she must complete a full year in a top 40 school and thereby become eligible to marry a “great guy”. This new shortage complicates the already slim ratio of girls to boys in the US.
"I usually don’t get many dates, but these days I’m booked 4 nights a week," said Yatzhee Spitz, though a series of spasms and stutters.
The situation has hit a particularly low point when reports of “single girl” sightings have caused tons of eligible boys to flock to unsafe third world countries such as Canada and Uzbekistan, only to discover that these were just marketing schemes by the department of tourism.
The Congress of Single Guys has ignored our attempts to contact them for a statement.
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Seminary Closing Adds To Already Disastrous Meat Market Shortage
KIVI AND TUKI FILE FOR EMANCIPATION FROM COUNTRY YOSSIE
After years of finger pointing and vicious rumors, child actors Kivi and Tuki have filed for emancipation. The 2 former stars have been living in the foster care of Country Yossie for the last 29 years and have finally began the legal motions to live on their own.
We met up with the twins at a local Jazz club/shul basement in Monsey, NY. They were accompanied by their temporary court-appointed guardian, Dr. Middos. Dr. Middos (, or Richard as he asked to be called) described the mental state of the two as “not geferlach”. He (Rich, as the night wore on) was assigned to the case to treat the aftermath of many years of psychological abuse Kivi and Tuki suffered. “He is she and who is he” muttered a barely coherent and very medicated Kivi. “That is all he ever says” pointed out Middos (Big R, the next morning).
The court has granted temporary custody after many accusations of torment and money pilfering by Country Yossie. The creatures’ case was greatly helped by the testimony of Big Gedaliah Goomber, who turned states evidence in return for a reduced sentence in his own steroid indictment. Goomber, who was depicted in court artist sketch as 9’2”, stated under oath that life in the Yossie house as “zany” and often “very zany”. “Country was always out painting the town red with the Shteeblehoppers and regularly neglected the child stars”. “Everyone knew that those two were his meal ticket, but he never cared for their safety”.
Jewish child star court cases are not without precedent. With the Cheery Bim Band winning a 7.3 million dollar royalty lawsuit from Feldheim publishing and a large undisclosed settlement for Gemarakup from Encyclopedia Brown for copyright infringement, the twin’s lawyers are confident about the verdict.
The court is currently in recess now and will be playing freeze tag in the yard. We will update you as more news becomes public.
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ISRAEL TURNS 60 AND PLANS TO RETIRE IN FLORIDA
After turning sixty years old last week, Israel has announced to friends and relatives that she would be moving to Miami this summer."While it is not easy to pick up and move at this age, I think I would really like to retire in Miami" said Israel
Miami has become increasingly populated with Israeli seniors and while many will miss her,it seems as though Israel will fit right in on the Florida Keys."I'm definitely going to miss her" said Opher Aryde, a taxi driver from Netanya."I love Israel, I know her well! but Miami is Miami so I wish her the best. That will be 25 shek"
Israel has already booked a flight on El-Al and is making preparations for her move. Packing will be easy for the sixty-year-old as she has already given away many possesions to her neighbors.Some of them were happy to hear of her move."I mean, I have known Israel when she was just a girl.I know her by her maiden name, Palestine but I've been telling people for a while that this day would come" said Mahmoud.
Life hasnt been easy for the Holocaust-Survivor and she has fought many battles in her life. Even a visit by US President, George W. Bush could not convince her to stay.He visited Israel on her birthday and urged her to remain strong."I'm getting so old I've had people wishing for my death,I've been threatened,I've been lit fire to,and I've had stones thrown at me.theres no way I'm sticking around to retire here."said Israel. "I do appreciate people saying all those nice things on my birthday but I am so out of here L'hitraoat"
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MUTE MAN RECOUNTS UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDIES
Shhlomo Henrik, a mute man from Pittsburgh, PA summarized the unspeakable tragedies that have plagued him throughout the last fourteen years. "_____________________________________", recounted Henrik. "______________________________", he added somberly.
Muteness or Aphonia has troubled Henrik from early on in his life. Through strength and quiet confidence he has overcome these obstacles to become the leading auction bidder in Pennsylvania. Only now, at 32, have people heard of his unspoken feelings "I'll bet he's mad that his voice wasn't heard in this year's democratic primaries" bet his friend Hershel Wheatman. Others say Henrik's past is troubling because people always put words into his mouth."He's told me his friends are all idiots" said Gavriel Tinoke,friend of the Mute man."___________________________" said Henrik in response."_________________________________________" he repeated.
Henrik's family is reportedly troubled by the amount of new information that is emerging about Shhlomo's life. Many suspect they are wary of negative publicity.They have hired consultant, Sheila Golding of Silence is Golding Inc.,a local PR Firm, to combat any harmful press."Contrary to many falsifications, the Henrik family has always treated Shhlomo with the utmost respect.He has never once voiced any concern about any wrongdoings" said Goldring in a verbal statement.When asked by reporters if there were any other unspeakables, Shhlomo had no comment.
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SESAME STREET CHARACHTER TO PROMOTE SEFIRA AWARENESS FOR KIDS
The Count, of Sesame Street fame, announced yesterday that he signed an endorsement deal with Chabad Lubavitch to be the face of a new multimedia ad campaign promoting the Omer and Sefira, a period of mourning for Jews. The contract is said to be worth 1.6 million dollars.
The campaign will comprise of a 3-part marketing scheme. "1 part….2 parts….3 parts…Ahahahhahaha", added The Count at yesterday's press conference.
Print ads: weekly ads in all major Jewish newspapers (read minor newspapers) with a pull-out Sefira calendar.
Web ads: ads on major Jewish websites like this one (read major websites).
Spoken ads: paid actors to infiltrate shuls, schools, and pizza stores and bring the ad up in conversation.
The Count, whose real name is Count Von Count actually suffers from arithmomania, (an obsession of counting things). He has parlayed this illness into a rewarding career as a series regular on the popular sesame street TV series. He has also used his skills on many a blackjack table.
He began his career as a co-host on the popular Jewish radio show Shalom America with Phil Fink, and soon earned a spot opening for Shecky Green on the Borscht Belt. It was there that he was discovered by Jim Henson who cast him as a series regular on Sesame Street.
This is the first of ad campaigns unveiled this week. Another rumored celebrity tie-in incorporates Snuffleupagus as a spokesman for not shaving and taking a haircut.
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SARCASTIC MAN HONORED TO BE HONORED AT DINNER
After receiving news that he would be this year’s honoree for parent of the year, Zev Blought couldn't be happier. "Yay" commented Zev to reporters, "I am soooo ecstatic. It is an honor and a privilege to be asked to donate money and subject my friends and family to another extremely exciting evening of interesting speeches".
Through a leak in the schools chairman committee we obtained copies of the invitation drafted by the honoree; "With great pleasure we welcome you to a joyous night of stimulating speeches and extraordinary cuisine."…Read the invitation for Yeshvas Tzion Tamale (school for Spanish immigrants).
“I personally can’t wait for this momentous night, its going to be awesome”, exclaimed Blought’s twin (and equally sarcastic) brother, Benyamin. “I wish I was the one being honored, since I have sooo much time to be busy with this truly important event”.
Hockberry caught up with Blought last Wednesday. “Wow, such an important news organization to meet with me?? What did I do to deserve this showering of attention?? Whoop-de-do!!!! I'm soooo flattered. And that's soooo with 4 S's”. (The reporter was unable to decipher whether this statement was indeed sarcastic).
The dinner is scheduled for 8 o'clock May 18 at Atrium Hall.
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JUICE 4 JEWS
City to Pool Kittel Grape Juice Stains, Help Feed Poor
Call it the most innovative act of charity ever. Residents of Cleveland Heights OH have come up with a creative way to help the many struggling families in their community. With the help of Tayror Load Cleaners of Taylor Road and their patented "StainSqueeze", process residents will be able to have their kittels squeezed out and pooled to provide grape juice for the impoverished.
Shimon Ofder, President of the newly formed organization, "Juice for Jews" said he came up with the idea after the second Passover Seder."I was sitting with my four brothers and a cousin and we were all comparing our newly spotted kittels and it occurred to me that we could probably fill Eliyahu's Cup with it." After much squeezing the men were barely able to fill a quarter of a shot glass but, nevertheless an idea was born. Ofder then approached Sing Chu of Tayror Load Cleaners. He chose Tayror Load because he was familiar with their work."They did a bang up job on a cholent stained tie for me in '96" said Ofder.
Through their procedure dubbed "StainSqueeze" for its ability to squeeze stains, the cleaners squeezes out the stains into a large barrel. The barrel is then emptied out, bottled and labeled with the original Juice for Jews Sticker and delivered to the needy of the community. The kittels are then starched and hung and clean as new.
While the Grape Juice is said to be quite tasty, the FDA shockingly refused to give its approval. However Rabbis who observed the procedure deemed it Kosher. "Even if there may be a slight charayne after-taste, I definitely lend my seal of approval to this product and advise drinkers to make the blessing of Hagafan on the product.This wine is suitable for Kiddush as well." said Rabbi Yosef Shaborovitz in a press-release.
Soup kitchens and homeless shelters are keeping a close watch on the program as this may be a sign of how we feed the poor in the future "Were keeping a close watch on the program as this may be a sign of how we feed the poor in the future" said a source we spoke to for this article.
Those wishing to donate their kittels to the cause can contact Juice for Jews at J4J-UICE to schedule pickups.
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YIDDISH THEATER STAR PUTS FANS ON SHPILKES
The Yiddish Theater was hit yesterday with the news that one of its important stars, Feivel Stern, who plays a lead role in the company’s promising new comedy “Ah farbisina Shmagegi,” had asked to be let out of his contract on the production.
The theater company immediately expressed confidence that Mr. Stern would return to the play next weekend. The news came after a whirlwind of negative publicity directed at Mr. Stern for a tirade of anger he unleashed at his agent/lawyer, Jack Weinrand, in a message recorded on a phone answering machine.
Mr. Stern, who is in the midst of a long and bitter royalties battle with designer clothing giant, G&G Chassidishe Malbishim, called his agent/butler “a thoughtless little shvuntz” in the voice mail message, which was leaked to the press last week.
Mr. Stern was upset because his agent/accountant had not called him as arranged. Mr. Weinrand denied leaking the message. In his Der Yid weekly column, Mr. Stern issued an apology for his outburst.
Mr. Stern had shot an ad campaign for the new faux-fur streimels that G&G debuted in their winter ‘08 campaign. Later that month he appeared in a photograph in the Yated page 6 with a streimel made of actual fur. The picture was purportedly leaked by his agent/tailor. He was subsequently sued for breach of contract and lost all rights to the ad revenue.
Mr. Stern contacted the Yiddish Theatre and said he wanted to discontinue his commitment to play. Theatre executives reacted by urging him not to do anything hasty. They said last night that they had no doubt he would remain in the role of Zundel Felkowitz, licensed shoemaker for the remainder of the play’s run.
In an official statement, Weinrand said: “Feivel Stern remains a power player in the Yiddish comedy play genre and I would love to continue to act as his agent/chauffer if given the chance.”
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BLIND MAN "BLESSED BY MATZA"
A half-eaten piece of ‘Passover Bread’ purportedly showing the entire text of the “Parshas Hamon” in Braille has attracted 100,000 hits on the eBay auction website.
A Queens,NY blind man put the matzo up for sale, saying it has brought him great luck since he found it last year.
"I was eating at a ‘Seder’ 10 years ago. When I picked up a piece of matzo to take a bite out of it, I felt the bumps were actually words - it was the entire text of Parshas Hamon with the Targum" Steve Sharfenberg explained.
Mr. Sharfenberg has since kept the matzo surrounded by cotton wool, in a plastic container on a stand.
He also believes its mystical properties have brought him blessings, including $300 won in a recent Kvitlach game.
Some visitors were skeptical while others took advantage. One budding entrepreneur tried to sell T-shirts showing the magic matzo, while a budding artist posted a watercolor based on the image. There were no bids.
EBay originally withdrew the item, suspecting it might be a joke. But it has now apparently been reassured by Heritage for the Blind that the offering is genuine. They also offered to give a tax-deduction in exchange for donating the Matzo to their organization.
The snack has attracted a bid - thought to be a hoax - of $40,000.
But Mr. Sharfenberg added a note for any misguided bidder who might consider paying thousands - or millions - of dollars for a crunchy snack. "I would like all bidders to know that this item is not intended for consumption," he made clear.
There are 2 days and 46 minutes left to the auction at the time this article was published.
HAGADDAH'S 4 SONS TO PUT ASIDE DIFFERENCES FOR REUNION TOUR
A spokesman for the Rasha apparently leaked word to reporters early yesterday via email. "Yes it’s true, you are correct they will be finally touring this year. What is it to you?!” Reporters were quick to notice that the spokesman used the words "you" and "they" in the statement but never "I" or "me" indicating that the Rasha may be keeping to his old separatist ways.
Word from the Chacham's camp however took on a much different tone "I am looking forward to discussing the Exodus with my brethren. It is my honor and privilege to once again bask in the warmth of our camaraderie. We look forward to intellectually stimulating conversation and thought provoking discourse with one another"
It is not clear when the sons last spent time with each other. The last known record was dated anywhere between 280 and 360 CE. There were plans of a reunion about 31 years ago but the event was cancelled after SheEino Yodeah L'Shael didn't show up. He was delayed in transit and apparently refused to stop and ask directions.
Some of the brothers have taken advantage of their Passover fame. Rasha is said to be grossing over $250,000 a year from his endorsement deal with DentureDepot.Com and is also a noted vegetarian cuisine chef, while Chacham once took in $98,043 on an episode of Jeopardy. It appears, however, as if not all of the brothers have turned their fame into fortune. We caught up with Tum at his Passaic, NJ home. "I'm OK with the reunion, I guess" said Tum, clearly uncomfortable with the attention. "I mean my brothers are OK guys...whatever" Tum works at the accounting firm of Brice and Edwards and drives a Buick Regal. He lives on a non-descript block, and neighbors say he's a "pretty average guy". He recently lost some money in a pyramid scheme. Tum’s two children (a girl and a boy) attend the local Jewish school and enjoy an ice cream cone and a baseball game now and then. SheEino Yodeah L'Shael was obviously not returning our calls.
Unbeknownst to most there is actually a fifth son, Shehayu BeBais Hakeesay. For some reason he was omitted from the original text of the story and is hardly ever mentioned. We contacted his residence in Waterbury, Connecticut. “He won’t be available for at least ten to fifteen minutes” said his spokesperson. Sources close to this relatively unknown sibling have informed us that matzo “doesn’t agree with him”.
Supporters of the often analyzed sons are looking forward to the long awaited comeback. Fans are hoping the brothers can put aside their differences long enough to make the reunion one that will be talked about for another few thousand years.
PESACH GOY: "I WILL PROBABLY STOP IN FOR YOUR LIQUOR"
JERIMIAH CARPENTER SR, a well known Pesach Goy announced yesterday that he might stop into the homes where he has purchased chometz for a quick drink or two. "I might even bring my friend, Ed" said Carpenter at a news conference.
Mr. Carpenter did not mention any particular homes that he would visit but members of Khal Anshei Emes in Baltimore, MD are pretty sure that Carpenter is referring to them. Mr Carpenter has been the head janitor at their synagogue for the past 21 years and is considered a close associate of their leader, Rabbi Yitzchok Ber Strauss. "He's an honest man" said Rabbi Strauss "contractually he has all the rights in the world to enter your home and enjoy some delicious chametz, I have no objections to his plans".
Mr Carpenter has been purchasing chametz from the congregants for many years now without incident but it seems as this year will be different. "I just thought, hey why not? It's mine aint it"? said Carpenter with a hearty chuckle. "Heck I may take some to go in my brown paper bag" he continued. "Rabbi told me it’s cool; I might help myself to a bowl of Cheerios while I'm there".
While it is unclear exactly how much Carpenter paid for the chometz some say the transaction involved a pen and a handkerchief. Reports coming out of Baltimore indicate that Carpenter may have the right to the chometz of over 67 homes. "I won’t do none of y’all no harm, I know its your holiday but you done sold me your beer" Carpenter said, addressing concerns that he might disrupt the oneg yom tov of the shul members. "My friend, Ed-he's the nicest guy in the world, yeah he cool. I wonder if Bill can come out too, yall will loove Bill" added Carpenter enthusiastically.
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DELI BANNED FOR INAPPROPRIATE SANDWICH PICTURE
Rabbis released a statement today banning Nosh Galore, a local Glatt Kosher eatery for their inappropriate window display. The window portrayed an enticing club sandwich with all the trimmings. The picture left little to the imagination.
TIBETAN MONKS PROTEST CHINESE AUCTION
Monks from a major Tibetan Buddhist monastery in northwest China staged a protest in front a Brooklyn hall yesterday, an eyewitness said.
The incident at the Oorah Chinese auction marked the second time demonstrating monks protested in Brooklyn and indicated anti-China tensions continued to simmer. About 15 monks from the monastery approached the guests (gamblers) carrying banners and voicing support for the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, said Sheindel Guttfried, last year’s sterling silver candelabra winner. They screamed to boycott all Chinese events.
"They chanted in Chinese, 'We want more freedom, more human rights, we want to see the Dalai Lama, and MSG gives our food a bad name'," Abe Horn told HockBerry.com by phone. The protest lasted about 10 minutes and ended when event officials conducting the auction gave the monks a door prize.” I suppose the SWAT team and tear gas helped too”, he added.
Horn could not tell what the banners said because they were written in Tibetan, but he was quite sure it was advertising a takeout lunch special. Onlookers said guests were "very surprised" by the outburst but soon stopped caring because the drawing for a Shevy Shaitel had begun.
On March 27, these same monks had interrupted a Sheva Brochos in Mr. Chopstix in Miami Beach. There too they called for the return of the Dalai Lama and denounced official Chinese versions of the Tibetan unrest as "lies". “At first I was frightened but then I was happy because Uncle Baruch had to cut his speech short”, said the new groom. The editor for Frum Satire was on hand and took down the monk's names to randomly befriend them on facebook.
Apparently the protesting monks chose the Chinese auction as a demonstration location after their flight to San Francisco was cancelled due to inclement weather. They were supposed to protest the Olympic torch ceremony.
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MIDGET SUES MAN WHO WOULDN'T STEP BACK OVER HIM
Chicago — A major ruling Friday (erev shabbos) by the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals cleared the way for Kalmen Grossman to sue Morris Taubsmith for damages.
Grossman grew up in Detroit with Taubsmith in the late 70s. One shabbos afternoon Grossman was lying on the floor playing kugelach and Taubsmith walked over him. He claims that this incident caused him to become a midget. His “brief” included a “short” list of “small” grievances which caused him “slight” irritation. Among the complaints were counts of having to use a stool for hagba, emotional distress over his tallis “kattan”, and being kicked in the eye by a rogue kezatzka dance move.
A similar ruling bestowed an award of $317,251 to Geraldine Weiss, one of two Cleveland plaintiffs who sued the old lady at the Kotel for selling a faulty red kabbalah strings. The jury ruled this was the root of the devastating Eyin Hara on the Weiss home.
Lawyers for Taubsmith had appealed the court ruling last week, saying Grossman's claim was filed years too late. The 9th Circuit ruled that the charge of not stepping back over your friend has no statute of limitations.
Congress did not adequately define the Eyin Hara defense issue when it passed the 1957 Shwartz-Applebaum Act, which limits the liability of such accidents while ensuring compensation coverage to the general public, the court said in the ruling written by Judge Marty Schrook.
Two similar cases still in the exploratory stages are Massachusetts vs. Kleinberg , a grandmother that did not say “bli ayin hara poo-poo” after people gushed on her new granddaughter’s cuteness, and a young man (name is still being withheld) whose mother used to cut his finger and toe nails on the (gulp) same day.
Rumor has it that Grossman will settle out of court for a small fortune. He is currently spending time penning his memoir, “Under the Magid’s Table”.
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AREA MAN STILL COUNTING WITH BRACHA
Last night was 355
Maariv ends at the ten o'clock minyan and Levi Erlanger remains at his shtender. He begins the L'shem Yichud with the same fervor that he did close to one year ago. Bad weather and change of seasons have not deterred Erlanger. He is determined. Levi Erlanger is still counting sefirah with a bracha.
His friends urge him to stop and "just wait for next year" but Erlanger sees no reason to give up the quest to count the whole thing with a bracha. He is now shuckling intensly "Hayom Yom chamish vchamishim vsholosh maya yamim shehem shtayim esrei chodesh shlosha shavuos vyom echad baomer....laomer......baomer......whatever" he prays, oblivious to the fact that shavuos has come and gone. Erlanger is so driven by perfection that to him it is unfathomable that so many people no longer count with a bracha. "I mean it’s clearly a mitzva d'araysa to count sefira, the fact that so many people take this mitzva lightly is a disgrace to counting as a whole" he told us in an exclusive interview.
Erlanger tells us that he hasn't shaved in respect to the sefira mourning period (or was it laziness?). He says his bosses at Goldman's Fish Emporium, where he works as a fish delivery man, are very accepting of his traditions. Levi has not attended any weddings during his sefira (no word on if he ever received any invites) and does not listen to any music.
He is especially proud of finishing this year because of the double Adars. "Oh Yeah, absolutely" he replies when asked if it’s been rough. "There's definitely a sacrifice that comes along with being committed to the Omer.....It's a state of mind"
Erlanger's parents tell us that counting has always been a past time of Levi's even from an early-age. “He would count all the time” said Uncle Obvious. Some of his other accomplishments include World Record Hide and Seek Counter (when "it") and special consultant to the Office of the Federal Protest Crowd Estimator's Office "That's Two (2) Offices in that sentence" remarked Erlanger as he rode off on his Goldman's Fish Emporium pushcart.
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REBBI ALMOST PLAYED IN NBA
Turned down money for Olam Haba
After recess yesterday in Yeshivas Spring Valley, a seventh grader broke the news to his friends of his Rebbi's past. "I heard Rebbi was an awesome point guard” reported Leiby Horensh, 12 of Monsey NY in his Yeshiva lunchroom. Word quickly spread to the playground and the students launched an investigation.
We traced the story’s source to Leiby's older brother Shloima Tzvi. We interviewed him at his Blueberry Hill home. “Sure it's true" he said. "Rebbi told us the story when I was in his seventh grade class twenty years ago. He said he was the best 3 point shooter on the playground and scouts came to watch him in 1952. He didn't want to brag because he said he was an anav but when they asked if he would play for the Knicks he said 'NO WAY! THE ONLY TEAM I'LL PLAY FOR IS TEAM OLAM HABAH I’LL SCORE POINTS FOR TORAH AND YIRAS SHAMAYIM!' we all cheered for Rebbi that day but thinking back he probably should have maybe given it a shot. I mean they could probally use him nowadays!"
The Rabbi in question is Rabbi Baruch Eisenstein, a 5"9, 154lb, white man. We beeped him but he never called us back to comment. He is one in the long tradition of would-be Major League players or possible NBA draft picks who gave it all up to teach middle school Yeshiva classes. Or at least that is what they tell their students.
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OPEN LETTER TO TED RILEY FLOYD
Dear Ted Riley Floyd-
Thank you. All the internet buzz you caused brought us many new readers. Yossi from our research department has informed us that Ted Riley Floyd, Lakewood imposter, and Nathan Levi have been the most searched keywords by frum jews in the past week and subsequently broadened our readership. (We too are surprised at Yossi's vocabulary).
While we have never met, we seem to have a few common interests. We both enjoy holding the canopy pole at a hachnasas sefer torah, we once dressed up like goyim on Purim, and we have a cousin who lives in Lakewood. Yes, I’d say we are 2 peas in a pod.
So anyway Ted keep the faith be well and give us a call sometime. Maybe we’ll hit up a Hachnosos Sefer Torah or something. You can even bring Blurry with you. Thanks for the publicity.
Yours Truly ,
Hockberry
P.S. If you don’t need your hat anymore……….
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PESSIMISTS AGREE: IT PROBALLY WON'T HAPPEN
After polling pessimist after pessimist, many thought we would never reach a conclusive opinion of the group’s feelings. It became clear that most people agreed that it wasn’t even an option and shouldn’t bother trying because it probably will not happen in the end. We have also heard rumors that some have already given up on it.
In last year’s survey, we noticed a drastic surge of negative attitude when it came to pessimists. Most concurred that in their opinion it will never change and things probably won’t work out.
While optimists will argue that things always have a way of working out, pessimists are still not convinced. "There are too many variables that can go invariably wrong and that's what is most likely going to happen", said Pessimistic Community Chairman Steve Noberg "and this quote will likely be distorted to make me look bad".
“This protest probably won’t work, this protest probably won’t work” chanted protesters at a half empty demonstration yesterday in a quiet forest. Many held unopened umbrellas in case of rain. One woman held a sign that read “We are almost in a recession, the war in Iraq is dragging on, Gas prices are high, China doesn’t like monks, my four-year old is still not potty-trained and this sign is too heavy”.
Police estimated the crowd at the rally numbered at “really not so many”.
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HOTEL RWANDA INTRODUCES EXCITING PESACH PROGRAM
After extensive inspection by the UN peacekeeping patrols and the OU, Hotel Rwanda in conjunction with the Schwartz family caterers are pleased to announce Pesach in Rwanda 2008. The news of the announcement came as a sigh of relief to the genocide plagued country. Government officials are hoping the Hutu and Tutsi tribes will lay down their spears long enough for visitors to enjoy the fantastic 8 day program.
The Hotel Rwanda, located in the stunning capital city of Kigali sits on a half of a fabulous acre of coffee bean crop. The location features lush opium gardens and a strong straw roof offering views of a cow pasture and a bombed-out army barracks. Guests can choose from rooms with or without an extra folding chair. Paintings by famed local artist Paukl Gyasgg decorate the lobby as a wind flutist entertains.
The Schwartz Family Caterers bring their extensive culinary expertise as well as their fifteen year experience in the Pesach vacation Industry. Their past trips have always been memorable. They include: Pesach in Somalia 2004, Pesach in Uganda 1999 and of course last year's hit Pesach in Gaza. This year Mr. Meshulem Schwartz, head chef, has informed us that the meals will all feature local cuisine that will be all available in Gebruks and Non-Gebruks. The leftovers will be donated to the government and shared by the 3,099,976 starving citizens of the nation no doubt boosting the morale and economy of the nation.
This year's entertainment program will be one for the ages. MBD, Lipa Schmeltzer, Avraham Fried, Abie Rottenberg, Shlock Rock, Baruch Levine, David Gabay, Piamenta, Pruz, the Yeshiva Boys Choir, Miami Boys Choir, The Chevra, Dedi, Helfgot, Lev Tahor, Regesh, Dveykus, Yisroel Williger, Shloimie Dachs, Eli Gerstner, Ohad, Yossi Green, Ben Tzion Shenker, Mendy Wald, Yeeedle, Shloimie Daskal, Dov Levine, Ira Heller, Shloimie Gertner, Oif Simchas, Michoel Streicher, and the Rolling Stones will all be staying and performing throughout the entire Yom Tov.
Activities for children will include tribal dancing with Uncle Moishe, drum beating, bird calling and hut building. Private blow-gun hunting lessons will be available at Nyungwe Forest National Park. There will be local Rwandan woman available for babysitting or you can bring your Rwandan cleaning lady from home.
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LAKEWOOD IMPOSTER COULDN'T PRONOUNCE CHES
Cover blown during Hanukah.
As details rapidly emerge in the saga of the Lakewood imposter, Natan Yosef Levi or Ted Riley Floyd it has become apparent that the man falsely claiming to be an Orthodox Jew couldn't pronounce the Hebrew letter, Ches. This was his alleged Achilles heel and eventually led to his downfall.
Levi's neighbors became suspicious when he wished them all a "Happy Hanukah" in late 2007. While it is commonplace for gentiles to pronounce Chanukah without the Ch sound, such pronunciation has rocked the otherwise quiet town of Lakewood, NJ. "At least he didn't try the Ch as in Choo-Choo or chocolate" said Chieli Chaimowitz, 18 of Forest Park.
While the story has just recently been publicized, some claim to have known Levi was suspicious all along."He was eating over Friday night by me and he asked to pass the Harayne, I thought for sure he was kibbitzing" said Baruch Schwartzman, a former acquaintance of Levi." I knew he was a weirdo all along"
Weird? Yes, but could anyone have imagined that Levi was really Ted Riley Floyd a convict from Wichita, Kansas? An FBI wiretap released to the public today catches Levi asking his study partner "What are you doing in Hol Hamoed Pesack?" A source close to the investigation tells us it was this comment that forced the Feds to move in when they did.
"Now he's just another faker missing seder" said a bitter Baal HaBus to no one in particular.
Other small clues to Floyd/Levi’s phony identity included his wife not being a speech therapist, him working part-time, and davening all 3 tefilos with a minyan.
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HASSIDIC ACTOR TO PLAY ROLE OF HASSIDIC ACTOR IN MOVIE ABOUT HASSIDIC ACTOR
Abe Karpen, the Chassidic Jewish actor who came under fire from his ultra-orthodox community has finally found a role fit for a mentsch. He will play himself in an upcoming movie about a Chassidic Jewish actor who comes under fire from his Orthodox Jewish community.
To prepare for the role Karpen is said to be living in his home and generally being "Chassidic" with his friends and family. The role will call for Karpen to eat kosher, pray three times, and refrain from touching woman other than his wife not unlike Karpen, who refused to touch any actresses in his brief foray into acting.
Karpen originally made headlines in March 2008 when he landed the role of a Hassidic Jew in the movie, "New York, I Love You". It was only after the local tabloids ran photos of Karpen that his strict community discovered his secret and pressured him into backing out of the picture. His rabbis will play themselves in the upcoming feature film about the upcoming feature film. His parents will reportedly be played by Steven Hill and Barbara Streisand
Natalie Portman is said to be playing the leading female role of Natalie Portman, an Israeli born female actress who Karpen almost starred with in the movie the movie is attempting to portray. Karpen is said to be thrilled to finally get the chance to work with Portman and regrets that it didn’t work out originally.
Insiders tell us that Karpen is also in negotiations to make this story into a musical and half hour cartoon series. His Rabbis are already attached to the projects.
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BOCHURIM POST-PURIM DRUNK EXAGGERATIONS AT ALL-TIME HIGH
Dorm rooms were abuzz as early as Saturday Morning with embellished accounts of teenage drunkenness over Purim. In what has become a yearly ritual, bachurim from across the Yeshivisha Velt began boasting almost immediately following the Holiday. This year shabbos afternoon provided extra brag-time for the wannabe alcoholics.
Our Roaming Yeshiva Correspondent Bob Sochachev reported widespread incidents of exaggerating, embellishing and downright lying about alcohol levels, amounts of vomit, tripping, falling and amazing dance moves. Majorly hammered, gone, smashed, trashed, toasted, high, wasted and mamish plastered were only a few of the many adjectives bachurim used this year. Others included: shikur, soused, drunk, , while some used: Toit shikur, blasted, roasted, fried, deep fried, char-broiled and steamed over easy.
“I was so gone, I mamish had no clue that I wasn’t even wearing a hat by Mincha” said a lying Yossie Goldfein (who never wears a hat by Mincha).
“There was a cup of what I thought was water on the table and I was stam thirsty so I chugged it and never chapped it was Vodka”says Chaim Trewn. Sources say it was indeed water.
“I had to be rushed to the hospital to get my stomach-pumped said well-known pathological liar Yehoshua Flatrosh. We confirmed this story as true…..nebach…sorry.
Of course there were the classic My-tolerance-level-is-endless guys: “Being a big Bourbon guy I need about a quart and a half to get me going, so obviously I wasn’t able to get drunk, not from lack of trying though”, said Baruch “Jim Beam” Berkowitz (not his real nickname).
After uncovering these blatant embellishments, the staff here at Hockberry.com is pretty sure we were by far the most drunk over Purim. In fact we were at a guy’s house and we polished off four bottles of Chivas and two barrels of Cream Malaga (the guy had a wine cellar the size of Costco)! We left with his couch pillows and a pan of salt and pepper kugel and showed up to Friday Night davening with our Looney-Toons ties still on! It was awesome.
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RAP: NOT JUST FOR GOYIM ANYMORE
Shouts ring out in South Central Teaneck. A man screams in horror. This man has been insulted in a heated turf war with a vicious barb. This is everyday life for Frum Jewish gangsta rap members. Gang members are used to cold blooded freestyle rap battles and most attend at least 5 a week. Similar situations occur in Borough Park, Canada, and in other places around the globe. To an outsider, these battles sound like a Yo Momma contest in sing-song Gemarah style, but this is where a frum rapper can make or break his street reputation.
The art of rap battling is not a new one. Many trace the origin to Babylonian times where Talmudic scholars were be quick with a stinging remark to a constituent when their dissertation was questioned. Children aging from grade four and up can be found in the schoolyards honing their craft. The most basic component is the burn (shtuch) and later is built up to a rap rhyme (or grammen).
The most famous rivalry is between rap group Shtilla Heights and Balabusta Rhymes continue. The feud began a few years back when both groups released their new singles on the same day. To make matters worse, both songs were a hip-hop re-working of MBD’s “Daiga Menayin”. While neither album was even recognized by Billboard magazine, their relative success was measured in units sold on Eichlers.
The monsey-bred crew, Shtilla Heights, is easily recognizable with red string on their left wrists and the back of their shirts untucked. The crew consists of: “Da Nebb”- Moshe Shwartz, a Kollel drop-out and former Tzlil V’zemer bandmate; “MC Immodium”- Yechiel Kleinkind, unofficial group accountant, named for his lactose intolerance; “Quite Fest”, Seth Gelbstein, amateur wedding juggler and part-time tutor. Trained under Y-love, the world renowned multi-platinum Grammy-winner rap superstar, the group is strong in the art of mixing Hebrew, Yiddish, Aramaic, and English in their lyrics. (His new album, Thisisbabylon, is out in stores now). Balabusta Rhymes’ shtick is slightly more conspicuous; he sports a long shiny satin coat and fur hat on a tilt. He is never seen without his gold-plated Kiddush cup. It is rumored that he rapped his bar mitzvah haftorah. His entourage consists of Bar Papa, Moish Mortgage, and Lil’ Shtickel. (None of their real names were revealed to our reporters). “These guys represent the new era of rap, their talent is shmagegi, and they just got to keep on shteiging”, commented a rep for a rep for Y-Love’s press secretary.
While frum gangsta rap albums are prominently displayed at checkout registers of Kosher Supermarkets around the globe, most teenagers already know the songs from underground mix tapes. The record label Mad Zahav is still is talks with Rabbonim to rescind the internet ban to allow for further public enjoyment and downloads.
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BEAR STEARNS, SHMEAR STERNS: STOCK OF PRESIDOR CHOCOLATE WAFER ROLLS SOAR DUE TO PURIM SALES
Stock of the Presidor Chocolate Lined Wafer Roll Company soared yesterday as a direct result of higher than expected Purim sales for their Cigar-like wafers. While Presidor has been the leading Shaloch Manos brand for over a century it has taken a beating by knockoffs such as Paskesz and Kemach over the last few years. This year it appears that Presidor is finally making the comeback analysts have predicted.
The rebound is a triumph of sorts for embattled CEO Marvin Misheh, who in recent years has been accused of over-valuing the stock in months other than March and April. His involvement in the infamous Biur Chametz Scandal of 2004 was even more disturbing. He was eventually cleared of any wrongdoing in the case where employees were accused of intentionally burning empty boxes of the snack and filing false insurance claims. His reputation and that of the company took a serious hit and Presidor was forced to layoff thousands of experienced rollers.
While no one is quite sure of the religious significance of the Cigar-Wafer, it is clear that Jews across the world carry on a strong tradition of packing the goodies in their Shaloch Manos, an Easter-like basket passed between friends on the Halloween-like Holiday of Purim. Rabbi Goodman of Congregation Anshei Emes in Chicago, IL, specializes in the History of Jewish Culinary and Delicatessen Studies and told us that the cigar-rolled wafer has deep Mediterranean and Persian roots and was originally used to carry small weaponry to and from the battle-grounds and War-Fields of the Roman Empire. We are pretty sure that he was talking about something entirely different.
In the wake of this historical climb, and the increasingly weakening US Dollar,The Federal Reserve is said to be considering classifying the Chocolate Lined Waferroll as an officially traded commodity. Hockberry Business Desk is advising all investors to remember to sell their inventory to goyim before Pesach
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PLAYERS WONT REST: Pirchei Finger Baseball Championships To Be Held On Shabbos
It is a known fact that finger baseball is a game only played on late Shabbos afternoon. “Every other year the game was held in the basement of the shul on Shabbos while the fathers ate shalosh seudos upstairs undisturbed”, said irate wife of a fan, Sara Walkenberg, “Sunday is my day for shopping “. “All’s well that ends well”, said Moish Cliche, “and you reap what you sow”.
The board finally caved to the public’s demand when “Mayim Chayim Half and Half Soda”, and “Boston Baked Beans” threatened to pull their advertising from the event. “The fact is only Pirchei kids eat Boston Baked Beans and if this event gets canceled, we will have to actually throw the candy away”, explained Ferrara Pan Exec Steve Mcgullicutty.
The most sought-after title of “Best in Shul” is up for grabs. The playoffs are finished, leaving New York and Toronto in a dead heat for the championship. This contention has been long awaited by many, looking to finally put an end to the question of which city is better. Both Canada and New York’s teams have some work ahead of them to get their teams ready for the big Pirchei Finals.
The Canadian team, “the off-Bathursts”, is in a much better place than the New York team, “Ave J Jazz”, even though they have almost identical records. The Canadians’ last game was decided when Baruch Dudansky put out two fingers and his stump of an index finger which judges (Pirchei counselors) ruled as a triple that won the game. The ruling was heavily criticized by many of the opposing team’s parents but the decision held up. An anonymous gloating parent was quoted as saying, “I don’t want to be quoted, aye”. We at Hockberry wish the best of luck to both teams and may the best team win……….New York.
OUT OF THE IN-BOX (A PLEA FOR HELP)
Dear Hockberry,
I am an avid reader of your site. When I saw that you were starting a new advice column I was ecstatic. I am a very indecisive person and can rarely make a decision on my own. I usually wait out any judgment until the issue either dissolves itself or one of the options is now not possible or let my husband decide. I need advice desperately. I can’t decide what my first question to your column will be. Should I ask about Shidduch/seminary issues with my children, or should ask a question about some rabbinic decree citing sources that people will bash in the comments? (I am not even sure that you will print this). Should I even send this……wow, I don’t know what to do. Who is gonna answer these questions anyways? Will I really be posted anonymously? Am I also paranoid? What do I do about that? You really think you can help? If you receive this, please help me!!.........I think?
Mrs. Should I, Cleveland, OH
Dear Mrs. Should I,
After conferring with a doctor for a few minutes (between aliyas), we feel confident we can help you out. We believe it is actually the seminary and/or shidduch stress that is causing you to be so indecisive. And by the way, your husband has bad taste. To answer all your questions we will go in order. Yes, you should ask both questions about shidduch and seminary (we need more mail). Yes, we are printing this (obviously). The fact is that you did send the email so we won’t count that as a question. WE will answer the questions. And by WE, we mean our illustrious team of 3 gifted writers typing this simultaneously. Thank you, Moshe. My pleasure, Kalman. You were posted anonymously, unless your actual name is Should I (maybe you’re Swedish). No, you are not paranoid; we just have that effect on people. That’s not funny, Eli!! If the answer to the previous question had indeed been yes, we would have suggested counseling. And finally, YES we can help and welcome any question you readers out there may have.
Before we close we want to thank you for you support and readershipment. That is not a word Moshe, and I’m sick of correcting your spelling and grammar mistakes. You know what; I’m not in the mood for this right now. Take care, guys. And good night to you all.
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BEIN HAZMANIM WORKERS FORM UNION
A press release from the newly organized local union # 613 threatens to go on strike Monday March 24 at midnight. Local 613 was recently founded to represent Shaimos truck workers and Koshering keilim truck workers and basically any other business opened specifically for the Pesach season. For years these day-laborers have been under the mercy of corrupt entrepreneurs and greedy store owners. In the past, local merchants would rent a truck and hire a few yeshiva guys who were home for bein hazmanim and looking to make some pocket money. The boys, in many cases underage, were forced to work long arduous hours from morning to wee hours of the night. The work hazards were often perilous; between paper cuts and pulp inhalation, the shaimos workers were being terribly undercompensated. In some cases these boys were not even allowed to leave their workplace (truck). There was also the added danger of these kids being unlicensed, putting their friends, who were sitting on the back bumper, and the public at risk. “We were sometimes even made to babysit when in the customers’ houses”, said an immature rep for Chometz Busters Cleaning Corp, “that’s not fair”.
Mark Levy, self-proclaimed advocate of the illegal worker, took up the cause and has been fighting for their rights. Using the precedent of succahbuilders #213 and Keren Aniyim Shaloch Manos makers, Levy won a landmark case that went up all the way to the Appellate division of Appeals of NY. Some of the amendments that became required included: trucks must have insurance coverage for each laborer or at least coverage for every two, the laborers must be over 18 or have heavy stubble, wages are regulated by the fair trade commission, and working hours are strictly by the clock. A worker cannot post more that 60 hours per week (even if they wanted to), and safety regulations are closely being monitored including proper hygiene for each worker. Levy is quick to point out to his enemies that the safety of the bachurim should be everyone’s responsibility, and doing business with a non-union truck goes against the Torah.
The reason for the strike is that after all these provisions store owners do not want to spend the extra money in this time of economic depression. With all these new stipulations protecting the workers, store owners fear that the net profit they used to receive will be considerably less this year. Add to that gas prices increased, parking tickets are being handed out at an all-time high, and they feel the ends will not justify the means. We have received word that the proposed picket line will form in from of Wesley Kosher with a giant blow-up Rat. We will try to keep you updated as we make up more news.
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PLAYGROUP OPENS FOR TODDLERS AT RISK
Little Yossi (names have been changed) crawls across the carpeted basement floor. With every stride a skull and crossbones tattoo peeks out from his light blue onesie. It is not Similac or Enfamil that fills his bottle but a Red Bull and Vodka is what helps him get through until Nappy Time. This is Yossi's fifth playgroup of the year already and his parents are crossing their fingers that he has finally found his place.
Founded in three years ago by Morah Blimi and Morah Miri, the Playgroup for At Risk Toddlers (PART) has become a safe haven for Toddlers who have strayed from the proper Torah way. Some of the children here have just struggled to fit in to the regular Yeshiva Daycare system and suffer from various social skills; some have totally lost interest in anything related to Yidishkeit. But perhaps the most disturbing challenge is that some of these toddlers have become addicted to drugs and alcohol. "When we first found out that our Dovidle was getting high on Desitin fumes we didn’t want to believe it. We had absolutely no where to turn" lamented a parent who's son's life has been changed by PART. "After consulting with the Rav of our Shul we knew this was our last shot and my how Dovid has grown! He no longer leaves his crib to hang out with the troublemakers at night and can almost recite the first three letters of the aleph bais!"
Through PART has no affiliation with Alcoholics Anonymous, circle time has come to resemble somewhat of an AA meeting "When I first realized I was addicted to Children’s Tylenol it was too late" shared Leiby whose disheveled hair begged for an Upsherin. "The drool and spit up just kept coming and my parents eventually threw me out" he said, fighting back tears. These are the moments that have brought back an endless amount of Toddlers to the righteous path of Torah and Yiras Shamayim. It is the special care, love and attention each child receives that makes PART a truly inspirational program
The Playgroup for At Risk Toddlers is a non-for-profit organization and has the blessings of leading rabonim. If you would like to sponsor a Circle Time, Nap Time or Arts and Crafts project please contact Morah Blimi or Morah Miri at 248-654-3216
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BUBBY COOKS THE BOOKS
A recipe book hailed by Mishpacha magazine was exposed as a fraud when author Sheina Goldberger- who claimed to be a Bubby from Williamsburg - was revealed as Shaindy Goldberg, a Bubby from Borough Park.
"Geshikta Grandma’s Geshmaka Goodies” was published last week to generally rave reviews. “The greatest thing since canned gefilte fish and sliced mandle-bread”, trumpeted the L.A. Jewish Times.
Publisher Gelungin Books was forced to recall all of the 2300 copies of the book yesterday after Goldberg admitted her recipes sections “from the Alta Heim” and “10 minute parve flanken” were really recipes she copied from old Reader’s Digest and the back of Corn flake crumbs packages. "Gelungin Corp. is saddened by this turn of events," the publisher said in a statement. "We feel that readers were cheated and won’t have the opportunity now to live the dream of eating pizza and flanken together." Esra magazine also backed off its praise. "While it was a delicious read, we now know that it should have been classified as fiction, rather than as a recipe book, said Aryeh Peisner, editor in chief.
Goldberg, 72, was exposed by her sister, who read a profile of the author last week in the Yated and then contacted the paper. The Yated confronted Golberg, who was tearful and contrite in admitting the deception.
Gelungin Books canceled a planned kiddush tour for Goldberg sponsored by Sabra Supremely Spicy Hummus Dip. The publisher will offer refunds for anyone who bought tickets. Shloime Gertner also backed out of the events.
The latest scandal came despite the efforts of Goldberg's editors, who fact-checked the book. Gelungin said Goldberg's duplicity included bogus photos, ingredients and even made-up vegetables, which she produced to verify her recipes.
The hoax demonstrates the difficulty publishers face in separating truth from fiction in cooking.
"One cannot protect oneself one hundred percent from one dedicated hoaxster any more than one can protect oneself one hundred percent from one spoiled ingredient," said Moshe Bren, once editor in chief of Heimish Cooking Weekly.
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BREAKING NEWS! HOCKBERRY HAS NO KOSHER ANGLE ON SPITZER SCANDAL!!
After hours of delibiration amongst lead editors at Hockberry.com it has become increasingly clear that the Orthodox Jewish news website has no clear kosher way of reporting on the Elliot Spitzer scandal.
While other websites such as Yeshivaworld.com present the story in a creatively frum way as an "Immoral, indecent business ring" Hockberry was unable to muster up such sensitivity and decided to leave the public with other means of obtaining their news. This is aside from the fact that the writers of Hockberry themselves are still unclear as to what this "immoral, indecent business ring" might be.
PLEASE CHECK BACK OFTEN AS HOCKBERRY.COM WILL UPDATE YOU AS WE UNDERSTAND THE SCANDAL A LITTLE BETTER. THIS IS A DEVELOPING STORY.
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RABBIS TO POSTPONE CONCERT BAN BECAUSE THEY FORGOT ABOUT INTERNET BAN
With the huge publicity on popular Jewish websites like YeshivaWorld.com, Vosizneis.com, Hockberry.com, Chaptzem.com, “THE BIG EVENT” has become the most talked-about controversial topic in the past few weeks. As the planned date for the now-canceled concert nears, the Rabbis have found new cause to be alarmed. Rabbis are now worried that their own moratorium on internet a few years ago will stop many ticketholders from hearing about the concert cancellation. These people listened when the rabbis called for the public to cancel their service, extolling the horrors and depravity that was readily available to the unassuming viewer on the World Wide Web. This brings up a dire situation in which the people who show up tomorrow to the canceled event will not have a concert to go to and end up “hanging out” with each other. Are you following?
In response to this newly recognized issue, the rabbis are leaning on Lipa Shmeltzer to rethink his decision to back out of the concert on their urging, and perform songs that will be of questionable nature and captivate the audience enough to keep them from mingling in the hallways. Ironically, there was again major buzz online about this. “Way to Reb Lipa!...You are a tzaddik for listening to the rabbonim”, commented JoeSchmo32 on YeshivaWorld.com on Friday. “I will bli neder hire Lipa at my next Simcha! It is a mitzva to support him now,” exclaimed Nuchschlepper. “I can't belive that there are out there so many ‘pochzem v'reikem’ that can talk like that on ‘rabunem’ ‘g'doileh toire…”, cried Elter Zeidah on vosizneis.com. (We believe this comment made sense in Yiddish.) These were just 3 of the millions of comments left on the many websites discussing this state of affairs. Google (a popular alternative to Koshernet.com) published their analytics showing a tremendous spike in jewish search words and has agreed to sponsor the new concert (tentatively dubbed “The Bigger Event” for advertising reasons). The re-posted website is now offering the option of refunding your Maaser for tickets to the show.
HAGBA WORLD RECORD TAINTED?
Scandal rocked the world of the Hagba Torah Lifting League again this week as Congress announced that it would open up an investigation as to the use of performance enhancing drugs within the HTLL. There had been speculation that such an announcement was imminent after the release of the Rubinstein Report, a league commissioned study under the direction of established Gabbai (and very amateur Ba’al Tefillah), Yissacher Rubinstein. The Report uncovered widespread use of Human Growth Hormone as well as Steroids amongst a serious percentage of the league. One of the names disclosed was World Record Holder, Nachman Klenin who captured the record of most columns lifted on Parshas Vayakel-Pekudei in 1999.Many now believe that the record should include in asterisk next to it when recorded in the HTLL record books. Klenin issued a strong statement of denial through his lawyer “I completely and categorically deny these allegations. I believe these accusations are a clear defamation of my character and will consider a counter-suit against my former trainer". Klenin was referring to his former personal trainer, Dov Povarski who testified against Klenin in a plea bargain agreement with Federal Agents investigating a tax-fraud case against Povarski. The League can’t seem to escape the dark cloud of substance abuse that has been hanging over it since the mid 90s. Hagba Lifting commissioner Zelig Notterberg insisted that the League welcomed any investigation. “We are committed to restoring the integrity of the game and open to any outcomes or recommendations that will help remove any element of corruption and cheating within our league". The League is currently taking bids on who will bribe the investigator and is up to Tzum Tzvetah Mool from *Maatan B’sesser.
*= name has been changed for legal purposes.
BARBERS PROTEST YESHIVA BACHURIM PRE-PURIM HAIR GROWTH TREND
In an effort to combat a disturbing trend the Israeli Barbers Union (IBU) demonstrated outside of the Mir Yeshiva in Jerusalem yesterday. They asked that Rabbis and Leaders encouarge their students to get their haircut and shave all facial hair immediately.
Apparently becoming a widespread custom, young orthodox men cease all grooming a month or two before the holiday of Purim in order to custom design their hair into such secular styles as the "Goatee" or perhaps even a "Mohawk". A full beard can easily be transformed to "Boot" sideburns and a "Soul-Patch" very quickly after the reading of Megila on Purim Eve. Such hairstyles add a little flare to the typical Yeshiva issued costumes (construction worker, farmer, jail inmate)and can help deflect a mothers anger away from excessive drinking. One veteran hair grower, Aryeh Pelhorn became excited when we asked about his favorite Purim Hair Stunt. "I remember it clearly" said the 32 year old bachelor. "I let my hair grow for 3 and half months. I wore my hat 24-7 in yeshiva and the mashgiach never noticed. Purim came and I had a full blown pony-tail to go with my bekeshe and cowboy hat getup. It was awesome."
Boris Kutchyerkov, head of the Barbers Union led chants of "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" as barbers protested the trend. "It is hard yes not cut hair we no cut peyos and they no help money for us before holiday very bad. Not nice for make funny hair. Hair not joke"
Barbers here in America led by Pino (no last name) have organized a similar strike outside of Yeshiva Torah Vodaas for tomorrow at 3:45pm. For more info please call 888-987-6543
"THE MEDIUM-SIZED EVENT" CANCELED
In an effort to better his image within the young At Risk Community, Abish Brodt has buckled to pressure from a group of leading "cool" teenagers and backed out of a Kumzitz scheduled for this Friday night in the basement of Rav Kleinmers shul on 52nd Street in Boro Park. In an exclusive interview with Hockberry, Abish disclosed his new stance that he would only be singing songs with a goyish origin from now on in order to better his secular image. "People just think of me as the frum guy who sings Moida Ani at the Siyum Hashas" he lamented. "I'm Hip. I've almost got all the words to Numa Numa by heart" It appears as if Abish has been hanging out more often with a younger crowd and has been influenced by a leading pizza shop worker in an attempt to improve his inner shaygitz.
There has been a backlash from members of Rav Kleinmers and many wonder what will happen to the scheduled Kumzitz. A tray of kugel and a case of Ber Mayim Chayim has been ordered from Meal Mart and it still unclear if it can be refunded. Aside from the monetary issues, many people remain concerned as to where the 70-80 year old congregants will be left to hang out. "These guys need an outlet" said Shira Wortner a grandaughter of one of Abish's dedicated fans. "If Abish backs out and the Kumzitz is cancelled they will be forced to listen to their Frank Sinatra LPs"
There has been no word yet on if Ben-Zion Shenker will back out as well. Please see the shul bulletin board for more info or stay tuned to Hockberry.com for the latest on the ongoing controversy.
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OH WHAT A WEDDING.....
There were 8,000 guests, not including those peering down from the rooftops with high powered zoom cameras. The police closed the streets in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, to allow for a Chasana, or extravagant wedding, and afterward the crowds squeezed so tightly into the reception hall that several people collapsed from cologne overdose.
If the wedding of Haim Zilberberg and Sara Raizel Gordstein lacked the simple charm of a small ceremony, it made up for it in gaudiness and extravagance. . To many local Jews, the couple's marriage this week was an actual royal wedding of Brooklyn.
''It's a perfect match,'' said Rabbi Israel Gold- Silver, a “friend” of both families. ''There's a boy. There's a girl. He comes from a rich family. She comes from a rich family. It brings the Crème de la crème together.''
Known for its ethnic neighborhoods and unpretentious, in-your-face temperament, Brooklyn might seem like a shallow pool for blue blood. But to the ultra-Orthodox Jews who arrived from Europe, Brooklyn is the place of their third home. This week's wedding joined two children of the leaders of the largest land owners in the Tri-state area, a union that to many symbolized the merger of a real estate conglomerate.
''These are the two biggest dynasties in the Jewish world,'' said Schabse Shabbosberg, an employee with the Zilberberg Corp (and unofficial exaggerator of the decade). ''You connect each other. Both of these groups are people who can appreciate the others cash flow.''
Typically reserved and wary of the modern world, the jewish families do enjoy big weddings. The ceremony on Tuesday all but paralyzed Williamsburg, as thousands of residents streamed onto Bedford Avenue and Ross Street to witness the vows in a celebration that began at 4 P.M. (with a smorgasbord that included over 70 types of meat and sausages from around the world) and ended in the early morning hours (with a Viennese table that included over 70 types of meat and sausages from around the world). Police officials estimated the crowd at 8,000, but Shabbosberg put the figure as high as 200,000. At the reception, guests filled three potato sacks and an abandoned grocery shopping cart with personal checks. ''I would say there were about 98,000 or 126,000 gifts,'' Mr. Shabbosberg said. “It could be that somebody gave $5 or $5,000. That's what the new couple will be doing the first week of their new life: making deposits.''
''It was an historic event,'' said Moshe Weissenheimer, who attended the ceremony (without an invitation). ''People were waiting for this event. People came from Israel, London, Haiti, Belgium, Switzerland and Paris. They came from all over the world and I was glad to be a part of it’’.
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HOLY WATER, BATMAN!!
Most people know what mikvah water is, and now Be’er Miriam Beverages in New Square is offering what it calls a "Heimish alternative" to the popular energy drink market.
Joel Bernowitz, the drink's inventor, says the name for the drink -- Mikvah -- came to him during a swimming lesson at his local Shteeble’s basement.
"It's an energy drink, and it's a fun name," says Bernawitz. "As soon as people look at the can, they smile and are reminded of good times with friends”
Bernawitz says Be’er Miriam corp. wanted to make a beverage that would send a sensation to the mouth. He describes Mikvah Water, the new beverage, as the first energy drink that is served warm.
The 8.4 fluid ounce energy booster has no actual mikva water in it, but it does contain 2 milligrams of chlorine for the authentic smell and flavor. According to the company's Web site, this drink is “the best way to start off your morning”.
The drink comes in two sizes: a 40 ounce family size for men and a personal can (8 oz.) for women. The company is marketing the drink with free towels and a small bar of soap with every purchase.
Future projects for the company include a body spray and a bubble bath with the brand’s famous scent.
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WANNA BET?!?!?!?
Just last week the makers of SAWYOUONAVENUEJ.ORG unveiled their latest project, ALMOSTSIMCHAS.COM . This groundbreaking site mixes two vices- gossiping and gambling for charity. The proceeds of the gambling (or house winnings) go to charity. This allows people to use their Maaser dollars in a fun way.
The website allows users to write in who they know are dating at any given time, add any known facts about the individual, and members of the site are able to bet on whether the relationship will last, and how long. The state of the art website uses built in algorithms to compute the odds and point spread based on positive and negative feedback left by people about the boy or girl’s character, looks, and personal hygiene. The member must sign in with a PayPal account and username and then can begin to browse current couple news.
The website boasts easy web access and text message entries so no juicy gossip will be missed by any viewers. There are also plans to have employees of My Most favorite Dessert, Le Marias and the Marriott Marquis on the website payroll to eavesdrop on the conversations and provide up to the minute coverage of on-going dates.
Hockberry.com polled people on the street this past Friday about this website and got many mixed reviews. “Internet is Assur and I don’t want to hear anything more about it”, said Rabbi Hirzberg, “did you say gambling......?” He then quickly went back to scratching his Instant Lotto’s. “This infringes on shidduchim meetings and Tehillim groups”, said a lady pushing an 8-child stroller.
Unfortunately there are still a few glitches in the system that needs tweaking. Yesterday a loophole was discovered when Simcha Weinglass, (whose online screen name is LkwdPlaya22) won the jackpot for the third consecutive week. After investigating this phenomenon, authorities discovered that he was actually the shadchan for the daters he was betting on and therefore disqualified by section B-12 of the terms and conditions of the site. (B-13 is no signing in during first seder). New identification systems are currently being installed.
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EARNING HIS VINGS
Itche Meyer Berkovitz , the world's first Hasidic flight attendant, graduated yesterday along with 1,358 other trainees at the American Airline Academy graduation at the Newark Hilton.
"It was an incredible life experience," Berkovitz said of becoming a steward. "I am looking forward to serving the passengers (….a coffee)."
Berkovitz, 22, of Williamsburg, will be allowed to keep his peyes - the long side locks worn by Hasidic men - looped up over his ears.
He's been granted exemptions from airline hairstyle rules so he won't have to break his religious vows. He also will be allowed off on the Sabbath and Jewish holy days.
His brother, Yitzchok Isaac, is a co-pilot for Jet Blue.
But Berkovitz hasn't figured out what path he wants to take in the airline.
"I was thinking about a lot of things before I got in the academy, but there are so many opportunities. I'm not certain," he said. "First I want to get my experience on the flights."
He's set to join the domestic flight division in Brooklyn, and his first assignment will be the red eye on February 12th.
Airline officials said this crop was most diverse class in American Airline history, with one-fifth of the new officers being foreign-born, hailing from 65 different countries.
The class is 46 percent white, 28 percent Hispanic, 17 percent black and 8 percent Asian, - the largest Asian contingent ever.
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RELIGIOUS MAN STILL NOT FIRED
A religious Jew, Abe Hartberg, a lawyer with the prestigious law firm Peirce & Linwood is suing his company. His claim is that his company will not fire him.
The lawsuit lists numerous counts where Hartberg exhibited extremely "Jewish" acts in the workplace and wasn't subsequently fired. He is asking for a settlement of 5 million dollars. This amount is based on the fact that he would have settled for 3.5 million on a wrongful termination plus damages for humiliation of not being laid off.
Some of the many attempts at being laid off are chronicled below:
July 2-August 31; took off every Friday to be with wife and kids in mountains
September 23; took off for Erev Rosh Hashana Mikva trip
October 8-12; shook Lulav in conference room
December 5; lit Chanuka candles in his cubicle.
March 17; made all employees shut the lights for chometz hunt
Other issues that went unnoticed by the management were: wearing only white shirts, making his sons bris in the coffee room, eating only matzo on pesach. Another attempt was the time he brought in chickens for kapporros. This episode actually “boosted company moral, said a co-worker.
Chad Winford Martin III, VP of the firm, says he didn't even realize that Arthur was Jewish,” I always thought he might be Muslim with his skullcap, but I never left my corner office to find out".
His wife, Cheryl, spoke to our reporter via AOL instant messenger; "LOL…He always using Hebrew words when he tries to tell me something secret over the phone @ work and he always insists that I send Kreplach in his lunch….TTYL ".
One legal analyst we contacted said that while Hartburg’s suit comes at a great time for wrongful termination suits, “at the end it will be up to the jury”.
No word yet if the company will force Hartburg to remove the schach from above his cubicle.
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THE BUKSER DOESN'T STOP HERE
Not just for shechianu anymore.
Some people like it ground up in chulent. Others use it to condition their hair. Starbucks even sells it in Frappuccino form.
It is Bukser (carob, St. John’s bread). And it's one of the most popular pieces of produce out there these days.
Last year, the marketplace welcomed over 450 new bukser based products -- everything from salad dressing to shaving cream. And the bukser parade shows no sign of slowing down anytime soon. Just this month, the candy company Pashkez released a bukser-flavored jelly bean.
"Our marketing people in Williamsburgh brought it to us first," says Moishe Hartenfreund, vice chairman of Pashkez. "I was a little bit like, 'Well, I don't know about this.' And I tried it and I loved it so I said, 'Let's go with it.'"
Hartenfreund thinks bukser just might be the perfect addition to a candy line that includes flavors like caramel corn and cafe latte.
"Bukser's just become a very trendy flavor," says Kelly. "And, of course, you know, we're very trendy."
The bukser may be at the peak of popularity in the United States. But it's been an integral part of Middle Eastern and Mediterranean cuisine for centuries. In fact, the bukser was one of the very first fruits cultivated by humans.
In fact, R’ Shimon bar Yochai and his son lived off of bukser for years while hiding in the cave.
It may have taken thousands of years to catch on in the United States, but the bukser has definitely made its way into mainstream America.
Consumers can now buy bukser lollipops, bukser body butter and bukser dish soap. They can throw back shots of BUKU bukser Liqueur, a 34-proof mix of natural bukser juice, vodka and tequila. And for a quick afternoon snack, they can enjoy Heart Healthy Dark Chocolate Bukser HealthTops, low-fat muffin tops that feature the flavor of the fruit.
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